


B-Grade

by namelesslunitic



Category: Family Guy
Genre: B-Movies, Date Night, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, Humor, M/M, Romance, dogxbaby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 20:11:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14480301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namelesslunitic/pseuds/namelesslunitic
Summary: For some, nothing beats a night of getting cozy on the couch and settling in to watch some silly bad movies.





	B-Grade

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Riachinko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riachinko/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or any of its characters.

“Bye! Have a nice trip!”

The dog and baby pair stood outside in the driveway, all smiles, waving as the parents of the Griffin home drove off. While, their destination had been undisclosed to anyone else in the family, Lois and Peter had said that they would be gone for the weekend and back by early Monday. And, this had been fantastic news for Brian and Stewie.

Once the the car was no longer visible, the two of them took the hand (or paw) of the other and proceeded to make their way back into the house. Stewie was practically skipping.

“Oh my _god_. I thought they would never leave! I mean, really, it was almost like Peter was intentionally trying to stall all day! Just go already! Leave us be!”

Although the child could be perceived as angry, the grin on his face was as big as could be. Brian squeezed the infant’s hand and chuckled slightly.

“Yeah. I’ve been more than ready for them to go, too, Stewie.”

They stopped at the door, and the baby turned his head up to look at the dog.

“Well, I would hope so! We don’t exactly get these opportunities all that often, Bry.”

He paused for a second, as his mind started to wander a bit. Brian saw that the infant was getting lost in thought and cleared his throat to regain Stewie’s attention.

Stewie jumped slightly, a small blush infusing his cheeks as he continued.

“At least, not at home…”

He giggled.

Brian picked up on what he meant. He reached up to scratch behind his neck as a shy laugh escaped his throat.

“That’s, uh, that’s definitely true. I don’t think I can even remember the last time we actually had the house to ourselves. We always end up having to go...well, elsewhere, to spend time together.”

Stewie nodded enthusiastically.

“Exactly!”

He motioned for Brian to open the door. The dog obeyed, figuring it only made sense to carry on this conversation indoors. It wasn’t like there was any sense in standing outside for so long.

The two of them walked into the house, shutting the door behind themselves as Stewie went on with his thought.

“Oh! It’s going to be so wonderful, Brian! You and me. Home. Alone. Spending a nice relaxing weekend together!”

The infant jumped up and grabbed his dog by the collar, dragging him down lower before planting a great, big, passionate smooch on the canine’s lips. The boy made an attempt to deepen the kiss, obviously aching for more, and for a second Brian was about to oblige. But, then, a thought occurred to him. His eyes shot open, and he struggled for a second to pull away from the young boy who was so intent on keeping their lips pressed together. He was eventually able to overpower the infant, freeing his collar from those tiny but still strong hands before ending the kiss. He instinctively licked his lips and took a second to collect his thoughts.

“What the hell, Brian!?”

Brian stammered for a bit before finally answering.

“Look, we’ll have plenty of time for all that later, but you do realize that Chris and Meg just might stop home after school, right? Do we really want to risk getting caught?”

Stewie huffed, his good mood from earlier now overtaken with annoyance as he folded his arms.

“They’re _supposed_ to go straight to their respective friends’ homes after school. That’s what they said they were doing, anyway.”

Brian nodded and knelt down next to his fuming partner.

“Look, you know that I didn’t pull away because I didn’t want to kiss you, right? I mean, that would be ridiculous because when have I ever _not_ wanted to kiss you since we’ve...you know...taken things further?”

The infant seemed to smile slightly, though his hands remained folded right where they were. Brian continued.

“I promise you can have all the kisses you want later, but let’s not get carried away here just yet. Ok? Give it a few hours, wait for Chris and Meg to call to check in, and then, I promise, I’m all yours for the next couple of days. Ok, Stewie?”

The child released a breath and then allowed his arms to fall to their sides. He looked over and nodded at Brian with a half-smile.

“Ok.”

Their eyes met, and the moment was nothing short of electric as they both felt a small shiver shoot up their spines. It was going to be hard to wait longer, but even though he wouldn’t exactly say it out loud, Stewie did know that Brian had a bit of a point. He’d play along for a few more hours, but that was it! He’d waited too long for something like this. Brian was going to seriously owe him…

_Wait a minute…_

A smug look suddenly came over the infant’s features. Brian noticed immediately and couldn’t help but feel a tad bit nervous. That look of Stewie’s, while it didn’t always mean trouble, had a tendency to be one Brian saw before he got roped into something he otherwise would want no part in. It’s how Stewie always got his way, and frankly, though he’d never admit it out loud, he was powerless against it. He gulped.

“Uh oh.”

He laughed nervously.

“What ya… What ya thinkin’ there, uh, sweetie?”

Stewie said nothing, at first. He simply grabbed Brian’s muzzle with both hands, leaned in, and kissed the dog on the nose sweetly before pulling away and staring right into Brian’s eyes.

“We’ll do this your way, for once, but in exchange for my cooperation I feel that it would only be fair that I get to decide what we will be getting up to tonight.”

A rush of excitement hit Brian as he contemplated the implications of what Stewie was saying. If there was any major perk when it came to being in a relationship with this little deviant (and honestly there were several) it was the fact that Stewie had a tendency to be extremely, well, creative when it came to their _activities_.

The dog went to respond, but it came out a little hoarse. His mouth had gone dry.

“That… That seems totally fair to me.”

Stewie took a moment to take in the dog’s transfixed expression.

“Good.”

He whispered the single word, and then, released the canine before quickly turning away and walking over to have a seat on the couch.

Brian remained kneeling there up until the point he heard the television being turned on. He blinked out of his trance, almost getting whiplash from the way the mood had so suddenly swung around. It took him a moment to pull himself together. The effect that Stewie was able to have on him was simply...unreal, at times. It was almost scary to the dog, especially considering how easily it was done now that they were officially together. It was like he had no defense against Stewie, anymore. No, that had all but whittled down over the last several months. It only took that one moment of giving in to those emotions that had, frankly, terrified him for so long. After that, there was simply no going back. He was hooked on Stewie.

That wasn’t a bad thing, though. Stewie was the best thing that ever happened to him. Stewie was good to him. Stewie loved him. And, Brian knew he loved him, too. Really truly love him. Being with Stewie had brought him to a place of contentment that he had begun to believe was impossible for him. But, here he was now, in a completely committed relationship with Stewie Griffin, and he had never been happier.

“Brian, are you going to insist on staying by the door for the remainder of the afternoon, or are you going to wag that cute little tail over here and actually join your adorable boyfriend who is dying to spend time with you?”

Unable to resist the infant’s call, the dog made his way over to the couch, taking a seat by his most cherished person in the world.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to keep you waiting. I was just...thinking.”

The baby looked at his partner curiously.

“Thinking? Thinking about what?”

Brian smiled and leaned over to peck his lover on the lips before answering.

“Thinking about how much I love you.”

The child let out a little squeak, and immediately lowered his head, trying to hide his intense blush. Good lord could Brian be charming sometimes…

Stewie had to take a moment to get the beating of his heart under control before replying.

“Well, that’s sweet of you, but do try and keep yourself under control. After all, it was you who suggested that we play it cool until hearing from my siblings.”

Brian laughed and then turned his head to see what was on the television but not before reaching out, wrapping his arm around the infant’s shoulders, and pulling him in close against his side. 

* * *

 

The phone was sitting between Brian and Stewie when it rang, the sudden vibration and noise causing them to jump apart as Brian hurriedly answered while Stewie muted the horrendous made-for-TV movie they had been watching.

“H-Hello?”

A beat and, then, the dog smiled.

“Oh, hi, Meg! You make it over to Ruth’s place?”

Stewie could make out the faint sound of Meg’s voice coming over the speaker, though he wasn’t quite able to hash out what it was she was saying. So, he just sat there, watching Brian and waiting for him to get off the phone.

“Ok. Great. And, you’re still planning to stay for the weekend? Right. Just checking, and Chris made it where he was headed, too? Alright, then. Well, have fun. I guess me and Stewie will see you Sunday night. You still have your house key in case of an emergency?”

Stewie rolled his eyes and whispered.

“Oh, for the love of. Just. End. It.”

Brian chuckled, finding the boy’s impatience to be kind of cute.

“Ok. Well, if you need anything, you know who to call.”

Stewie bolted upright.

“Not him! He’s mine this weekend, and I won’t have anyone ruining that!”

Brian had to fight to hold in his laugh as he finished.

“Ok, sounds good. Bye, Meg.”

The canine hung up and burst into laughter.

Stewie scowled at his partner shaking his head.

“I fail to see what’s so funny. I’ve waited long enough to get this romantic weekend started with you.”

His bad-tempered expression suddenly shifted to something more mischievous, and before Brian had time to even react, the child practically pounced on the animal, knocking him on his back as Stewie came to lie on his stomach.

The impact was enough to knock the wind out of Brian slightly. He groaned.

“Ohhhh. Jeez, Stewie. A little warning next ti…”

The dog was silenced by a pair of soft, eager lips attaching to his. A tongue was then forcibly shoved into his mouth, and soon, the dog and baby pair were making out on the couch, no protest from Brian whatsoever. They remained like that until the need for air became vital. It was Stewie who pulled away first, inhaling deeply as he sat up. Brian did similarly, and then, just remained lying there for a moment, catching his breath. When he finally spoke again, it was just a single breathless word.

“Wow…”

Stewie giggled, shooting his dog a smug look before hopping off of his stomach and back over to his place on the couch. Brian sat up soon after, still in a slight daze. Stewie noticed.

“Uh, that was only one kiss, my dear. There’s going to be plenty more where that came from, so I suggest you prepare yourself.”

Brian shook his head, trying to remove the haze around his brain in order to achieve cognitive thought once more.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll be fine. You just...took me off guard...is all.”

Stewie smiled up at the canine.

“I know. I like taking you off guard. It’s fun for me knowing how easy you are.”

A dangerous glint came over those eyes briefly, but it was gone in an instant as the boy hopped down off the couch.

“Come on, now. You said that I could pick what we did tonight once we heard from Chris and Meg, and I want to go out. Pull yourself together, and let’s get this evening started!”

Without waiting for a reply, the child began pattering off towards the stairs.

Brian sat there confused for a second before calling out to his young partner, barely catching him before he made it out of sight.

“Wait. Huh? Where are we going?”

Stewie turned and addressed Brian through the bars of the staircase railing, a huge grin plastered on his face.

“We, my dear, are going to the video rental store!”

And, without any further explanation, the baby disappeared up the stairs, leaving Brian to sit there even more confused than he had initially been.

_The...video rental store?_

* * *

 “Hey, Stewie. The new releases are over here.”

Brian pointed over at the far wall with the big, garish **NEW RELEASES!** sign as he and Stewie entered Quahog’s local video store. The dog still wasn’t sure what they were doing here. Stewie hadn’t said anything more about his plans on the way over. Maybe the kid just knew of a movie he wanted to see, which was fine. Brian had promised the kid that he could decide what they did for the night, and he was intent on keeping that promise. It was just that, with the way Stewie had spoken earlier...movie night wasn’t exactly the first thing that had come to mind.

“Oh! How observant you are! Why, I would have _never_ noticed such an obvious sign without you having pointed it out! What would I do without you?!”

The stinging sarcasm drew Brian out of his thoughts. He turned to look at Stewie but was surprised to see the infant making his way over to a much less occupied section over in the far corner of the store. He chased after him.

“Wait. Where are you going?”

It didn’t take him long to catch up to the infant who seemed to be heading in a very particular direction.

“What are you even looking for, kid?”

The child shrugged and just continued walking, not even bothering to turn around as he responded.

“Oh, nothing in particular.”

Brian sighed, realizing that he wasn’t going to be getting any more information about what was going on until his partner was good and ready to tell him. So, he just continued to follow, hoping things would be made clear soon enough. God, sometimes Stewie was so difficult…

They finally came to a stop at the end of an aisle near the back of the store. The shelves were full of movies that Brian had never even heard of, and they all looked rather...well, bad. What were they doing here?

“You, uh, sure this where you want to look?”

The boy began browsing the aisles, simply humming his reply.

“Mmhmm.”

Brian scratched the top of his head, puzzled.

“Because all these movies...well, they seem kind of, you know...crappy…”

Stewie nodded in the affirmative as he continued to scan the shelves. After a few seconds, he clapped his hands together once having apparently found what he was looking for.

“Aha! Here we are!”

He grabbed one of the movies and held it up for Brian to see. The dog looked at the cover and read the title.

_What the hell?_

“Robot? Monster?”

Brian couldn’t help but notice how absolutely terrible the title was, and the cover did little to alleviate his concerns regarding the quality of the film. It looked like a pretty old movie, something from the 50s or 60s he would guess due to the retro style poster image on the front of the box. At the top were the words **MOON MONSTERS LAUNCH ATTACK AGAINST EARTH!** and just below that was the image of a...well, Brian wasn’t sure what it was. The best way he could describe it was something akin to a gorilla...but with a skull...wearing a space helmet, and this...creature was carrying some unconscious woman bridal style. The dog had so many questions. He finally settled on one.

“That something on your ‘to-watch list’ or something? Looks...interesting.”

Stewie laughed and shook his head.

“Oh, god no! This movie looks positively awful, and that’s exactly why I chose it.”

The infant handed the canine the movie, obviously expecting him to hold onto it. The dog took it with no protest, even if a part of him was absolutely dreading taking this film back home.

“That doesn’t make any sense. Why would you intentionally watch something terrible?”

The boy began walking down the aisle again, looking over the movies as he answered.

“Because that’s what I want to do. I want us to each pick out two movies that look hilariously bad. Then, we’re going to go home, settle in for the night, get cozy, and riff on them to our hearts’ content!”

The baby began bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Ohhhhh! It’s going to be so much fun!”

He giggled and continued to peruse his many possible selections.

Things were starting to make more sense, but the dog still wasn’t quite sure how this was supposed to be ‘so much fun’ or even why Stewie seemed so enthusiastic about the idea, in the first place. His young partner had never brought anything like this up before, and he felt like he knew the kid pretty darn well. This never would have occurred to him as something Stewie would enjoy doing. Curiosity got the best of him.

“What exactly made you want to do this, Stewie?”

The child looked away from the movie he was currently inspecting and turned to address his favorite canine.

“Well, I mean, we were watching that movie on T.V. earlier today. And, we were making fun of it and having a pretty good time. I mean…”

The boy smiled warmly at his lover.

“I like taking the piss out of things with you, Bry. It’s just another layer to our simply undeniable chemistry, and well, I read once about people going out and finding bad movies to watch for fun and that just seemed like something that would suit us. This seemed as good a time as any to give it a go. Plus…”

He chuckled and smirked at the canine.

“You promised I could make the plans for tonight, so you basically have to go along with it, now.”

He wagged his finger at the canine.

“Because I know that my faithful, loyal, good boy would _never_ break a promise he made to the one he loves most, right?”

Suddenly, Brian was regretting making that promise. Is that really what he had to look forward to tonight, a bunch of godawful movies? Still, that didn’t change the fact that he did make that promise, so he did his best to hide his disappointment, not wanting to upset Stewie as he answered his question.

“Of...course not.”

He forced a smile on his face, hoping it didn’t look too fake.

“You know how much I hate to disappoint you.”

The infant nodded his head.

“Yes. That I do. Just as you know how unpleasant I can make things for you in the event that you do disappoint me.”

The infant chuckled darkly, and Brian gulped out of both fright and...well, excitement. God, Stewie was so hot when he took charge…

This was neither the time nor place to be thinking about that, right now, though, so he quickly hopped off of that train of thought and began looking over the movies he had to choose from.

“Ahem. So, I just pick two, then? That means you still need to find one more.”

Stewie turned back to the movie he had been checking out earlier and picked it up.

“I think I’ve already found it, actually.”

The baby handed the film to the dog who then chanced a look at the boy’s last pick.

“Oh, what the hell, Stewie!? What in the world is _Shark Attack 3_!?”

Stewie couldn’t help but laugh at the canine’s reaction, holding his belly as he kneeled over and chuckled loudly before regaining his composure.

“How the fuck should I know!? Judging from the cover it’s about a giant shark or something. Should be fun.”

The dog gripped the bridge of his nose and groaned.

“And I’m assuming that you haven’t seen the first two of this epic trilogy?”

Stewie shook his head, still giggling slightly.

“Something tells me that we’ll be able to understand this one just fine without the prerequisite of viewing the previous two. I couldn’t find them, anyway. This store only has the third.”

Brian nodded his head, even though he honestly still didn’t really understand this whole exercise.

“Uh huh…”

He just stared at Stewie for a second before turning back to look at the movies lining the shelves. He didn’t even know where to begin with this, so he just sort of started to slowly make his way down the aisle, trying to find something that stuck out. Stewie followed beside him, apparently very eager to see what movies he would select. Brian ended up making it all the way to the end of the aisle. He still wasn’t sure what to pick.

Stewie noticed that it seemed to be taking a long time for Brian to make a selection, so he decided to step in.

“Don’t think about it too hard, love.”

He placed his hand on the small of the canine’s back and began petting him there.

“There’s really no pressure here. Any of these movies will do. You just need to pick two, and we probably don’t need to spend too much time here browsing. I want us to make a couple more stops before we go home, and we want to make sure we have time to watch all of our movies.”

Brian listened to the boy, nodding his head in understanding. Still, he wasn’t sure which two to pick, so he decided to take a different approach.

“Ok. Well, if it really doesn’t matter that much which movies I choose, how about we just leave my selections up to chance, then?”

Stewie tilted his head, interest piqued.

“And how exactly will we do that?”

The dog walked back until he was in the center of the aisle and closed his eyes.

“Spin me.”

Stewie walked up to the dog, grabbed him by the waist, and started pushing so that the canine’s body began rotating in a circle.

“Uh, ok… Now, what?”

The child couldn’t help but notice how incredibly silly this looked. In fact, there was at least one other store patron down on the other end of the aisle looking at them curiously.

“Just stop me whenever you’re ready. Then, I’ll walk forward and grab the first movie I run into.”

The canine chuckled.

“Just don’t, uh, don’t let me run into anything. Keep me on track, would ya?”

Stewie nodded, briefly remembering that the dog had his eyes closed.

“Oh. You know I’d never let anything happen to you that you didn’t deserve.”

The boy was still looking at that customer, a man who had been staring for far too long by now. The man began shaking his head, obviously dubbing the sight of the baby spinning his dog in the video store a ridiculous one. Stewie, however, didn’t appreciate the unwanted attention. He huffed and yelled out to him.

“If you think this is odd, you should see what I do to him when we’re actually alone!”

“What!? Who are you talking to, Stewie?”

“It’s nothing, babe.”

Stewie wasn’t sure if the man had actually understood what he had said, but his shout had apparently been enough to give him a hint that the infant was none too pleased at his ogling. He quickly finished grabbing his film, and then, parted with nothing more than a self-conscious cough into his fist.

“Uhhhh, Stewie. Getting a little nauseous here…”

The child snapped his attention back over to his partner.

“Oh! I’m sorry!”

He stopped spinning the poor pooch but kept holding him until he was sure the dog was steady.

“You alright there?”

Brian nodded his head and began walking forward.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Try not to spin me for too long next time, though. Am I walking toward a shelf?”

Stewie let go of Brian but remained following close behind, giving the canine proper instruction.

“Uh, yeah! Just keep going straight. That’s right. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left. Right. Left. Aaaaaand stop! You’re right in front of a row a movies. Just reach out and pick one.”

Brian reached out blindly until he felt one of the movie cases. He grabbed it and opened his eyes to see what monstrosity he had ended up with.

_Oh, god…_

“What is it?”

Stewie leaned forward so that he could see the case clutched in the canine’s paw. He caught a glimpse of the title.

“ _Death Bed_?”

Brian shrugged as he read the remaining words of the title.

“It’s “the bed that eats” apparently.”  
Stewie clapped his hands in excitement.

“Oooooo! A killer bed! Now, _that_ should be glorious!”

Brian sighed inwardly and placed his first selection with the rest of the movies in his other paw. He made his way back to the center of the aisle and closed his eyes once more.

“Alright. One more time. Let’s get this over with.”

And so the whole process was repeated. Stewie spun Brian and stopped him. Brian carefully made his way forward, and then reached out and grabbed a movie at random. For the last time he opened his eyes, anxious to see his final pick.

“Whaddya end up with this time, Bry?”

Brian just stared at the cover of the film, completely baffled.

_What...the hell is this?_

The cover of this movie was just...bizarre. It honestly looked like something that had been thrown together as someone’s first time experiment in Photoshop. Everything about it was wrong. There was some kind of web address up at the very top, just above the title, and the background was nothing but a solid black aside from a couple wisps of blueish-green...fog? Lights? It sort of reminded Brian of when he had seen the Aurora Borealis. So, wait, was that the background, a night sky lit up by the northern lights? Nothing else on the cover seemed to indicate that was the case, though. Near the bottom right in a row were, what Brian assumed to be, three standard stock images of...laptops? And the blueish-green...stuff was superimposed right on top of them in the sloppiest way imaginable. Everything about it just seemed so...amateurish. That wasn’t even the most unnerving part, though. No. There in the center were the faces of three people with the most cold-dead stares Brian thought he had ever seen. The less prominent ones were those of two women, but the face that caught Brian’s eye the most was that of an older looking man who was staring straight ahead, directly at the dog, as if daring him to watch this atrocity. Because despite being bewildered by absolutely _everything_ on this cover image, the one thing that it made abundantly clear to Brian was that this was, in fact, some kind of cinematic abomination.

The dog shuddered and whispered under his breath.

“Oh...god…”

Stewie had been watching Brian stare at this movie for far too long now. The dog was obviously stunned.

“Uhhhh, Brian? What is it?”

At hearing Stewie’s voice, Brian was finally able to pull his attention away from the horrific yet almost hypnotic sight in front of him. He turned to Stewie and simply read the title.

“ _Fateful Findings_ …” 

* * *

 

Brian and Stewie arrived back home a little over an hour later.

After leaving the video store, Stewie had directed the dog to stop at a nearby convenience store where they had picked up a cheap bottle of white wine.

_“We’re watching a bunch of trashy movies at home. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy.”_

And, then, once they’d gotten their beverage for the night, they discussed dinner options. Just like with everything else that evening, Stewie got the final say.

_“You know what? Let’s just grab some Chinese takeout. I’m feeling saucy.”_

So, that’s what they had done.

Now, here they were, pulling into the driveway with their assorted purchases, ready to get this big movie night underway. Well, in Brian’s case, _ready_ wasn’t exactly the right word, but he kept telling himself to suck it up. He was committed to making this a fun night for his partner. Stewie certainly seemed excited, practically bouncing in his seat as they came to a stop.

Brian reached over and undid the child from his carseat. The infant then immediately exited the vehicle and rushed for the door.

“Come on!”

Brian looked around the car, noticing that the baby had left him to carry all of the bags.

Of course.

He rolled his eyes, but not a word of protest was uttered as he quickly gathered everything up and exited the vehicle, making sure to lock it before hurrying to join Stewie at the front door.

He tossed his keys at the baby.

“Here.”

And, Stewie caught them. The child reached up and unlocked the door, throwing a wink the dog’s way as he opened it.

“After you, handsome.”

Brian chuckled as the boy held the door open for him.

“Why, thank you, uh, good lookin’.”

Stewie laughed and followed the dog inside, shutting and locking the door behind him.

Brian made his way over to the couch, setting the bags up on the cushions before pointing towards the kitchen.

“I’ll go grab us some plates and glasses. You wanna start getting us ready in here?”

The child nodded his head enthusiastically.

“Of course! I’ll get our food and everything ready and get us set up with our first movie.”

Satisfied, the dog turned to head into the kitchen, but after taking a few steps, he heard Stewie calling out to him.

“Oh, and Brian, you only really need to get the plates. We can just share this bottle, if you want.”

Brian shook his head.

_Classy…_

But, he wasn’t about to argue. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. The boy obviously had a very particular atmosphere he was going for, and as the dog kept reminding himself, tonight was all about what his young lover wanted.

It didn’t take him long to retrieve a couple of plates from one of the higher cabinets, but by the time he made back into the living room, it was clear that Stewie had actually been pretty busy.

To start with, the boy had gotten some extra furniture. He had moved a coffee table, that the family usually kept pushed up against a vacant wall, over to in front of the couch. He had also grabbed a spare end table and placed it next to the right side of the couch. There was a lamp on top of that end table, and on top of the coffee table were all the various cartons of Chinese foods they had ordered, all organized rather neatly: rice and noodles on one side followed by all the meat and veggie selections and then some egg rolls and wontons for sides. The bottle of wine sat right on the end of the left side of the table. The T.V. was on displaying the DVD menu for their first movie, _Robot Monster_.

Brian set their plates down on the coffee table, and then took a seat next to Stewie on the couch.

“How did you set this all up so quickly?”

Stewie looked over at the dog with teasing smile.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Brian just shook his head, rolling his eyes as he grabbed the remote from where it had been lying on the couch since they left.

“We good to go, then?”

Stewie shook his head.

“Not quite, dear. You should fix our plates first. You wouldn’t want to miss anything vital in this cinematic masterpiece.”

The boy giggled, and Brian took it in stride as he leaned forward and quickly prepared them a couple of plates to start with. Once he was done, he handed Stewie his food and took his own.

“Ok. _Now,_ we’re good to go?”

The child was already digging into his food with a pair of chopsticks as he responded enthusiastically.

“Hit it, baby!”

And, without further ado, Brian started the first film.

A black and white image featuring a collage of B-movie posters popped up on screen, and then, the title faded into view.

“Oooooo, Robot Monster. Sounds absolutely teeeerrrrrriiiiifying.”

The infant nudged the dog sitting next to him playfully.

Brian took a bite of his meal, and tried to play along.

“Oh, yes. I’m shaking in my fur.”

Stewie laughed and smiled at his partner.

“Well, if you get too frightened, you can always cozy up to me.”

The two continued to eat as the movie played on through the credits. They were your standard older movie credits. Names of the crew involved in the making of the movie began flashing across that same opening image. As the names of the cast appeared, there was a brief glimpse of their upcoming performance. Well, that is except for one actor who apparently played a character named “Ro-Man the Monster”.

Brian quirked his eyebrow at this, swallowing a bite of his food before commenting on it.

“Ro...man? Seriously?”

Stewie chuckled and kicked his legs a little bit.

“Ah. That must be our titular robot monster, I’d imagine.”

Brian hummed thoughtfully.

“Hmmmm. But, no, seriously. Ro-man. As in ancient Romans, but with a hyphen?”

Stewie shook his head.

“Something tells me we shouldn’t be giving them that much credit. If anything, it stands for robot man or something. But, yes, it’s silly. You’re right.”

The credits were coming to an end, finally, and the screen faded to black.

“Here we go!”

The infant giggled giddily as he began munching on an eggroll.

The movie began, opening on what both Brian and Stewie assumed was the robot monster walking in an open field toward the camera, which was a sad thing to assume considering the “monster” was nothing more than a normal human person wearing a ridiculous looking...space...helmet, wielding what was so very obviously a toy gun.

“Hey, Brian? How much you think they spent on that costume at the dollar store?”

The dog just shook his head, trying his best to actually sound amused.

“Heh heh. Couldn’t have been more than five dollars, right?”

Stewie was about to make another smart comment but stopped when he noticed that the “monster” was actually approaching a little girl.

The little girl spoke, and both Brian and Stewie cringed in unison as the “monster” replied, revealing that it was actually just a young boy in some kind of space costume. The two children began talking about whatever game it was they were playing, and there was no denying that, child actors or not, the acting was hideous.

Brian groaned, the almost squeaky sound of the children’s voices already beginning to get on his nerves.

“I hope they die first.”

Stewie shot Brian an amused look.

“Whooooa! That’s a little dark isn’t it? And, we’ve only just gotten started. But, hey, at least that wasn’t actually the monster costume. Whatever that ends up being it has to be better than that little shit’s outfit, you know?”

Brian nodded his head, but it wasn’t like he was all that excited to see what the actual monster was going to be. He wasn’t really excited about tonight at all right now outside of just being able to spend time with Stewie. The kid was right. They had only just gotten started, and already the first of _four_ films was beginning to grate on his nerves. He just didn’t get this. God, Stewie was lucky he loved him so fucking much…

“Brian?”

The canine snapped out of his thoughts. He must have zoned out for a second. He quickly turned to his young partner and smiled.

“Yeah?”

The child was looking at him suspiciously, though his expression shifted to something much more content once he realized he had the dog’s attention.

“I was asking if you could get me some more of the sweet and sour chicken.”

The dog reached over and gladly took the baby’s plate.

“Of course!”

Stewie smiled, but he couldn’t deny that something was bugging him. It didn’t seem like Brian was really all that present, right now, and that was...disappointing. He didn’t want to press the matter, though, just in case whatever was on the dog’s mind had the potential to ruin this night, this night that was such a rare occasion for them. Surely, whatever was occupying his lover’s thought wasn’t important enough to squander their time together, right?

“Here you go!”

The canine handed the child back his plate. He accepted it gratefully with a smile.

“Thanks, love.”

Brian smiled back and leaned over to give the child a sweet peck on the lips before returning his attention to the movie. The children were now speaking to two men in a cave. The dog knew he must have missed something.

“Wait. Who are they?”

Stewie shrugged.

“Those little morons were wandering around some barren landscape, and then, they ran into these two creepy gentlemen. I believe they said something about being archaeologists, but if I were those kids, I wouldn’t trust them. Stranger danger and all”

The dog snickered.

“Seems to me that would be the kind of situation you’d gladly put yourself in.”

Stewie scoffed.

“With them? Hardly. I have standards, even if you’d never know it considering who I’m with.”

Brian rolled his eyes at the child’s comment.

“Oh. Ha ha. You’re a hoot, Stewie.”

The infant simply batted his hand and grinned innocently at the dog.

“Aren’t I, though?”

The movie continued on. At some point, two women, supposedly the boy’s mother and sister, entered the scene and it was revealed that everyone except the two scientists were actually out here on a picnic. Riveting. There was mindless chit-chat. Blah. Blah. Blah. The kid went back to the cave, fell, and cracked his skull open, causing Stewie to laugh much louder than was probably necessary.

Then...shit got crazy…

All of a sudden, the scene changed to something completely different. There were now two...dinosaurs fighting each other. At least that’s what it looked like, kinda. Really they were just kind of rolling around, and it all looked so ludicrously fake. Sure, that was to be expected due to how old the movie was, but the horrible effects were only amplified by the fact that there was absolutely no transition between the two totally different scenes.

Stewie and Brian sat there, wide eyed, totally confused as they watched this fight go on for much longer than was possibly necessary. When it was finally over, the movie just cut right back to the boy on the ground. There were bubbles floating everywhere, now.

The baby and dog turned to look at each other, each hoping the other might have some kind of explanation for what they’d just witnessed as they both asked the same question.

“What the hell was that?”

Realizing that neither of them had any idea about what had just happened, the pair turned back to the film, awaiting answers.

They never came.

Instead, the movie just proceeded as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. The boy got up, wandered around a bit, there was a flash of light, and then, he ran away. Then, something emerged from out of the cave.

Stewie snorted and reached up to cover his mouth in an attempt to hold in his immense laughter.

“What the hell is _that_?”

Brian placed his paw on his temple and shook his head.

“That must be our monster…”

The infant had to fight to get his laughter under control before responding.

“Oh. My. God. It looks even worse than that dumb kid did! It’s just… It’s just a gorilla suit with a space helmet! And, what is up with the T.V. antenna coming out of its head? Who came up with this!?”

Brian just sighed, a part of him wishing that he could be as engaged by this movie as Stewie seemed to be.

“Someone deeply disturbed, I would imagine.”

The canine reached over to put some more food on his plate. It was right about that time, when he suddenly felt his ears starting to twitch. He became aware of an intense, high-pitched hum coming from the television, from the movie. He tried to ignore it as he finished getting his second helping, but the sound just droned on relentlessly until the point where it actually started to become slightly painful, causing a horribly uncomfortable ringing in his ears.

“Ugh!”

He reached up to cover his ears, trying to drown out that terrible squeal.

This action caught Stewie’s attention. He looked over at his dog, concerned.

“Bry? What’s wrong?”

The canine gritted his teeth and shut his eyes tightly.

“You seriously don’t hear that?”

The baby wasn’t sure what Brian was talking about, but as he listened carefully, he too became aware of the high-pitched whine emanating from the T.V.

“Oh!”

The infant quickly grabbed the remote and turned the volume down several notches.

The dog sighed in relief and opened his eyes.

“Jeez! Was that really necessary!?”

The child flinched slightly at his partner’s harsh tone before reaching out and placing a consoling hand on the animal’s leg.

“You ok, Bry?”

Feeling that contact with Stewie was enough to get Brian to start calming down. He took in a breath and then exhaled.

“Yeah. I’m fine, kid. I think you can turn it back up, now.”

Stewie hesitated for a second, but the volume was now so low that they couldn’t hear the characters speaking, which was kind of important especially now that there were new characters on screen in a completely new outdoor location. He and Brian were already lost enough as it was, so the baby slowly turned the volume back up to a reasonable level. He placed the remote by his side, ready to pick it up again in the event the movie wanted to bring back that awful sound that hurt his beloved.

Things settled down from there. Brian and Stewie did their best to keep up with the plot. It appeared they were in an entirely different movie from the beginning. The movie was now presenting some sort of post-apocalyptic scenario where some alien (the monster from earlier) had successfully wiped out all human life on the planet except for eight people, because of course he missed only eight people. Now, it was a struggle for survival as the last remaining humans did everything in their power to best Gorilla-Robot-Man.

Brian found the whole setup absolutely mind-numbing.

“This is ridiculous.”

Stewie finished swallowing his last bite of food before responding.

“Well, that was kind of the point in picking it.”

The dog sighed.

“Yeah. I know.”

Brian couldn’t help that he mainly just found the movie...dull as hell. It soon fell into this agonizingly repetitive formula of having a scene of mindless dialogue followed by a scene of the monster wandering around aimlessly followed by more mindless dialogue interspersed with scenes for some asine romance subplot. Sure, there were some amusing bits of absurdity here and there, but he just didn’t see where the entertainment value was even as something to mock. They were now on yet another scene of the monster roaming around, lumbering about in the most unintimidating and incredibly slllllllllloooooow way imaginable.

Stewie seemed to enjoy it, though.

“Look at him. It’s almost like Peter’s in that suit. He can barely get up that hill! This is our antagonist, people! Run for your lives!”

The monster was now approaching the little girl from the start of the film as menacing music played.

Stewie shook his head.

“Seriously, though, are we really supposed to be intimidated by Fuzzy Lumpkins in a space helmet here? You could casually stroll through the field and get away from this gu…”

The baby stopped jesting as he watched the monster grab the little girl. It then cut to another scene.

“Ahem. Well, I was right. The only reason he caught her was because she just stood. Right. Bloody. There!”

Brian hummed in agreement.

“Mmhmm. That was pretty stupid. Hopefully, she’s gone.”

Stewie tapped his chin thoughtfully.

“Were they bold enough to kill off children like that in the 50s?”

Almost as if to answer his question, the next bit of dialogue in the film did indeed confirm the death of that little girl.

“Ah. Well, I guess it was off-screen.”

Brian groaned. How long was this movie? It felt like it had been on for well over two hours. Surely, it was almost over. Jesus, they seriously had to sit through three more of these?

The monster was attacking again. This time it was the two romantic leads.

“He wants to bone her, right?”

The dog looked over at Stewie, tilting his head curiously at the odd question.

“What’s-his-face? I mean, they are apparently…”

He held up his fingers, making air quotes.

“...’in love’. That kind of follows doesn’t it?”

The infant shook his head.

“No. Not him. The monster. Isn’t that what he was essentially saying earlier? Oh, god, are we actually going to be subjected to some woman/gorilla alien animal lovin’?”

Brian shuddered at the thought.

Stewie snickered.

“Because if that’s the case, Miss. Leading Lady better not be the only one getting some sweet animal lovin’ tonight.”

The child flashed his dog a wink, and Brian flushed.

“W-Well, I would hope there would be some kind of happy ending after being subjected to these abortions of cinema.”

A scream was heard coming from the T.V. Brian and Stewie looked at the screen to see what was happening now. The monster was carrying the female romantic lead away as her big strong man tried pathetically to fight him off.

Stewie facepalmed.

“Oh, come on! The kid was one thing, but how did he catch you, too!?”

What ensued was one of the most horribly choreographed “fights” either Stewie or Brian had ever scene. In fact, calling it a fight was being generous. It was more like spastic flailing. It was actually hard to tell what actions the film was trying to convey. Was the monster strangling the man, now? Did he just fall down a cliff? Who knew. The woman was free now, and running away.

The baby groaned.

“You are so much faster than him! Just run!”

She fell over. The monster grabbed her.

Stewie screamed.

“Seriously!?”

Brian chuckled at his partner’s reaction.

“Hey, you wanted to watch crappy movies. Well, this is a crappy movie.”

Two characters had just found the body of the little girl. The scene was obviously meant to be sad and poignant. It wasn’t. Then, after a brief scene of the monster carrying his captive, the man who had apparently fallen off a cliff had seemed to survive his fall and was returning to the other survivors to inform them that the woman had been taken. He fell over dead immediately afterwards.

Brian was baffled.

“Uhhhhhh, ok…”

As was Stewie.

“What...killed him?”

They would never know. No explanation was given. The remaining characters just moved right on with things as they began to hash out an incredibly stupid plan to save the woman. Speaking of the damsel in distress, the monster had taken her back to his cave, and was...trying to seduce her?

Stewie nudged Brian.

“I’m serious. If she gets some…”

He let the sentence hang there, knowing Brian would get what he was driving at.

Brian was just happy to know there was a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

“If that’s not a given, I don’t know what is.”

The child felt heat infusing his cheeks. It was always so amazing when Brian was so straightforward about how much he desired him. It took a good chunk of his willpower not to begin fantasizing about just what all they may get up to later tonight, but he stopped himself. They were in the middle of something, after all. He turned to focus on the movie, once more.

The survivors were enacting their plan to save the woman, and it actually looked like it was working.

Then...shit got crazy...again.

The film suddenly cut to more footage of dinosaurs, only offering up the vague explanation of the monster’s leader unleashing prehistoric creatures on the Earth. Once again, this footage went on for way too long, showing several of the same shots from earlier in the film over and over. Then, when all that madness was finally over, the scene cut to one of the archaeologists from earlier carrying the boy talking about how he had fallen. Suddenly, it all became clear to Stewie and Brian. Brian was the first to express his shock.

“It was all a dream! We’re really doing this!”

Stewie just nodded his head. He had been having fun with the movie, but this really was quite an asspull of a twist. Very disappointing. The two of them just watched as the rest of the scene played out. Everyone talked some more and had a little laugh over the situation. Then, they all walked away. The pair figured the movie was over, but just as Stewie was about to eject the disc, the music shifted to ominous once more as the monster emerged from the cave and walked towards the screen menacingly. That footage played on a loop three time. Then, the movie was, actually, finally over.

Stewie ejected the disc as Brian clapped his paws once in appreciation.

“Jeez! It’s finally over. How long was that damn movie? It feels like we’ve been watching it for hours.”

Stewie leaned over and placed his empty plate on the coffee table.

“Really? It didn’t seem that long to me, couldn’t have been much more than an hour.”

He pointed towards a nearby window.

“It’s not even completely dark out yet.”

The canine directed his attention to the window.

“Ah. Well, would you look at that.”

He got up from his spot on the couch, carrying his plate as he grabbed Stewie’s.

“I’ll go drop these in the sink. I guess you can pick whatever monstrosity we’ll be watching next.”

The baby excitedly hopped up from the couch as Brian walked out of the room. He began looking over the remaining movies, trying to decide which one struck his fancy. Almost immediately the shark movie caught his eye. That was kind of another monster movie, right? Then again so was the one with the people-eating bed or whatever. Though, that seemed much more like it was in the realm of actual horror and would be better suited for later in the night when everything got completely dark. Him and Brian were _so_ gonna cuddle while watching that.

The infant could hear Brian making his way back into the living room, so he decided to just go ahead with his first choice as he popped the shark movie in and ran back over to the couch. He reached over and grabbed the bottle of wine, offering it to Brian as the dog retook his seat.

“Care to do the honors?”

The dog smiled warmly at him before taking the bottle and wordlessly opening it, gladly taking the first swig before handing it back to Stewie who then took a sip of his own. The child coughed and grimaced slightly.

“Well, that’s...not that great.”

Brian chuckled and grabbed the bottle back.

“You’re the one who said to get something cheap.”

He took another swallow and then set the bottle back on the table.

“We gonna start this movie?”

The boy needed no further incentive to grab the remote and push play.

Brian slouched back into the couch, preparing himself mentally for what he was about to witness.

_Ok. Here we go. Movie number two. Almost halfway there. You can do this, Brian. Do it for Stewie!_

Right from the start, Brian found that the movie was making a better impression on him than the previous one did. It was still obviously not the most well-made film in the world, but at least he could follow what was going on and there was even a little bit of action as the first shark attack happened. The opening scene made a case for this being a crude but still enjoyable killer shark movie. But, then, the main character was introduced, and Brian could feel his hopes dying with every obnoxious toothy smile and every unnerving forced laugh at something that was in no way funny. This was the leading man, and within five minutes of watching him, the dog found that he had this incredible desire to find the actor and punch him hard right in the face. He was so grating to watch and listen to. This didn’t bode well for the canine’s mood.

Brian gave an annoyed huff through his nostrils.

“Please tell me I’m not the only one who wants this guy to get eaten.”

Stewie, who was actually kind of in awe of how awkward the movie was, forced himself to pull his attention away from what was going on on-screen to reply.

“Jeez, Bry. What’s with you and wishing death on every character in these movies? Since when did you get so dark?”

The boy giggled and scooted in a little closer to his dog as he then spoke slowly and sensually.

“I kind of like it. You should show that dark side of yours more often, big boy.”

Normally, when Stewie used that tone of voice, Brian became putty for Stewie to mold to his heart’s every desire. Right now, though, despite a slight increase in speed to his heartbeat, the dog was too caught up in hating this man to get too worked up. It was a shame, really. Brian wanted to get in on this fun that Stewie was apparently having, but he just couldn’t! It wasn’t happening. These movies weren’t fun to him. They were chores, and the longer he sat here watching them, the worse his overall mood seemed to be getting, no matter how hard he was trying so hard to fight it.

The canine sighed. Maybe Stewie was pretending, too? Trying to save face after suggesting that they do this? Brian was suddenly intensely curious. So he just asked the infant straight out.

“Be honest with me, Stewie. Are you really having a good time, right now?”

The boy’s expression fell, the question having taken him completely off guard.

“What? Of course I am! Why? Are you…”

A brief pause before he finished his question.

“Are you not?”

There was a sadness coming over the child’s eyes. It hurt Brian to see, but the truth was out, now. He just shook his head.

“No. I’m really not. I don’t… I don’t get this. I’m sorry, but it just seems like such a waste of time to me.”

The upset look on the infant’s face suddenly blew over as he shot the animal a scowl.

“Oh? What was that you said? You think watching movies with me is a waste of time!? Well, fuck you, too, man! If you’re having such a terrible time, you can just go! Alright!?”

Brian sat up straight and began waving his arms frantically in defense.

“No! No! No! Stewie, I do want to do this with you! I really am trying here! This was important to you! I don’t want to ruin it! I love you!”

The infant’s expression softened ever so slightly, an indication to Brian that he was no longer in immediate danger. He stopped waving his arms and moved a paw up to scratch the back of his neck self-consciously.

“I mean, I meant what I said, but maybe I’m just missing something. I want to enjoy this with you. Maybe you can help me understand why you find all this nonsense so entertaining?”

The baby continued to glare at his partner for a few more seconds before letting his anger dissipate with a heavy sigh.

“I...I appreciate your honesty...I guess.”

He looked over at the T.V. The female lead was now being introduced.She was a paleontologist or something, and the camera was ogling the hell out of her.

A small laugh escaped the boy.

“Nice. Our leading lady is an experienced scientist, and you can already tell that the movie is going to treat her as nothing more than a dumb, useless sex object.”

He looked back at Brian, then.

“I don’t how I’m supposed to help you, Brian.”

He began tapping his chin thoughtfully.

“There’s not really anything to miss. I guess, you either find it enjoyable or you don’t. It’s like watching a trainwreck, if you’ll forgive the trite example. Sometimes, it’s the awe of wondering how something could go so wrong, especially something that was produced by a whole crew of people. Other times it’s like getting a glimpse into the screwed up head of one particular person. It’s an anomaly. It’s fascinating. But, at least to me, it’s also hilarious at times, like watching those fail compilations you sometimes find in your feed on Facebook.”

The dog interjected.

“I never really liked those.”

Stewie groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Well, you’re just a spoil sport, then.”

The baby reached over and grabbed the wine to take a sip. He then offered the bottle to Brian who followed suit.

“Don’t worry, though. That’s no surprise to me. I was well aware of this fact before tonight.”

The boy shot the canine a teasing smirk before returning his attention to the movie.

Brian grunted, but he was smiling, nevertheless as he took in another gulp of wine.

“You know me sooooo well.”

The baby batted his hand at the dog, never looking away from the screen.

“Yes. Yes, I do. Now, shut up and watch this movie with me. We’re missing some pretty good bits here. Check out that excellent use of stock footage!”

Brian remained sitting there, holding the bottle and watching Stewie watch the movie. He still wasn’t exactly thrilled about watching these movies, but after hearing Stewie explain his perspective on how bad movies could be entertaining, the canine was certainly now more open to trying to wring what little enjoyment he could out of them.

He looked back at the television screen, curious to see what _Shark Attack 3_ had to offer.

He was a little lost, at first, since he hadn’t really been paying any attention at all these past several minutes, but he was soon able to piece together that the main plot essentially revolved around a giant, prehistoric species of shark that was attacking people despite supposedly being extinct. Simple enough, really, and honestly, the dog was really just kind of relieved to be watching something with a somewhat coherent plot, even if that plot was ludicrous.

The leading man and woman were on a beach talking when Stewie suddenly spoke up.

“Oh my god! Those bastards stole our look from when we were Red Shirt, Blue Shirt!”

Brian immediately knew what the kid was talking about. The man and woman were both wearing solid blue and red shirts, respectively, that certainly did bring to mind the ones that he and Stewie had worn during their brief venture as a musical duo.

The dog snickered and nudged his young baby companion.

“They even have the girl wearing the red shirt.”

Stewie shot the dog an angered look that was just so obviously fake. The kid could barely contain his smile.

“Are you honestly insinuating that I’m the woman in this partnership?”

Without missing a beat, Brian responded.

“Insinuating? Stewie, there’s nothing to insinuate. Are you really going to deny that you’re the more feminine out of the two of us?”

The dog reached his arm out then and wrapped it around the child’s shoulders, bringing the infant in close against him.

The child accepted the gesture, finding it irresistibly tempting to just lean into that soft white fur. So, that’s exactly what he did, releasing an effeminate sigh of contentment as he did so.

“I’m not denying anything. Your comment was just incredibly sexist. Still…”

The baby paused briefly as he nuzzled Brian’s side affectionately.

“You probably do have a point. It all works out, though, because me being in touch with my feminine side essentially allowed me to seduce you that first night we got together. I definitely consider that a win.”

He chuckled and planted a kiss on the dog’s side as one of his hands began to pet the dog gently.

“I always knew it would only take one time to make you mine forever.”

Brian just sat there, basking in this love that Stewie was bestowing on him. It still kind of blew his mind just how genuine Stewie’s feelings for him really were, how deep they ran and how incredibly happy that made Brian. In addition to these warm feelings for romance, though, the child was bringing to mind memories that couldn’t help but make the canine’s cheeks grow a little hot. All these thoughts and feelings that Stewie was able to awaken within him seemingly at will… It simply amazed Brian.

He leaned over and kissed the top of the boy’s head, giving him a little hug as he did so. He then whispered in the boy’s ear.

“Let’s watch the movie, now.”

And, so they relaxed against each other and focused once more on the absurdity on screen.

A pattern soon developed in the film.

The shark would attack (including an especially ridiculous scene of beach-goers evacuating in obnoxious slow-motion for what had to be somewhere around two minutes). The characters would investigate. Some new information would be revealed. And, then the characters would prattle on about whatever in some poor attempt at character development, including a few scenes where the leading man and woman would spend a little while developing their “romantic chemistry”. All in all, it was par for the course...except the acting was atrocious in places and the constant use of stock footage during the shark attacks was absolutely laughable. So much so, that some instances actually did earn a couple of genuine laughs from Brian.

Now, the main character was trying to convince his boss to close the beaches in a scene that was very reminiscent of a similar set up in the actual good shark movie, _Jaws_.

Brian shook his head.

“Riiiiight. This movie is totally on par with Spielberg.”

Stewie shrugged.

“I don’t know. It could just be more of an homage. I doubt anyone working on this movie considered even for second that they were making something that...well, competent.”

The baby spoke no more on the matter, instead pointing towards their wine bottle as he looked up at the dog.

“Pass the wine, babe?”

The movie continued to plod on as the pair sat there cozily in each others arms casually sipping on white wine. It continued to be a standard shark attack movie, terrible filmmaking aside, and Brian could feel himself beginning to lose interest again.

But, then, the insanity was amped up to eleven.

It started out simply enough. The crack team of shark hunters was gearing up for what both Brian assumed to be the final big confrontation. The shark attacked, actually breaking into the hull of the ship and going after the woman who was below deck. The man rushed to her aid, proceeding to beat the shark with a...baseball bat. It was certainly silly, yes, but at this point, it was nothing that extraordinary. The woman ended up defeating the shark by blowing its brains out with a shotgun, appropriately cornball. All was well. The shark was defeated, and someone was riding over in a boat to rescue the crew from their damaged vessel.

Then, another shark appeared...a big one...that swallowed the rescue boat whole, rescuer included. That was crazy enough, but what really made the dog and baby pair shoot up in their seats and gawk at the screen was the almost surreal visual that must have been achieved by superimposing the footage of the boat onto some unrelated stock footage. The effect was startling not because it was convincing. Ohhhhhh, no… Far from it. If anything, instead of looking like a natural scene of a giant shark swallowing a motor boat whole, it simply looked like the boat was sinking into the image of the shark. Like two completely separate visuals clashing. The boat looked ridiculous disappearing into the yawning maw of the incredibly out-of-place, stock footage shark, bouncing around in its mouth and never really seeming to collide with the monstrous ocean beast even as it disappeared down its throat.

Brian and Stewie sat there, stunned.

Then, two people fell into the water and were swallowed just like the boat had been. _Exactly_ just as the boat had been. It was the same exact stock footage, only now there were just two people bouncing around unconvincingly into the shark’s mouth.

The baby and dog just continued to sit there, mouths agape, as the scene continued on, ending with one last use of the stock footage as the two leads made a daring escape by helicopter. Now, the characters had to come up with a way to destroy the giant shark. Neither Brian nor Stewie were paying much attention to their plan-making, though, as their minds were still rolling that image of the shark swallowing the boat over and over.

It was Stewie that spoke first.

“Well, that escalated quickly.”

Brian nodded his head, taking a sip of wine before responding.

“That just might have been one of the fakest things I’ve ever seen in a movie…”

He paused and took another sip.

“But, it was also...kind of incredible just how _off_ it looked.”

Suddenly, Stewie’s comparison between watching these movies and watching a trainwreck began to click for Brian. He chuckled.

“I kind of...I kind of loved it.”

Stewie clapped his hands excitedly.

“Oh! I’m so happy to hear you say that! See? These are a blast!”

The infant took the wine and helped himself to a few gulps before handing the bottle back to the dog. He swayed a bit, beginning to get that floaty feeling in his head as he resolved to lean back against Brian to get comfortable once more.

Despite the introduction of this new threat, the movie was obviously in its final stretch now. Plans were quickly made to blow up the shark with a missile-launching minisub. Of course. And, the two romantic leads were beginning to cement their fated couple status. In fact, they were alone on a dock, right now. Both Brian and Stewie knew where this was going.

Stewie rolled his eyes.

“Oh, just get on with it. We all know this woman is about to get plowed by this...this incredibly average looking gentleman who really needs to work on showing less teeth when he smiles.”

Brian hummed in agreement.

“It’s not like these two have any actual chemistry. In fact, it’s almost like the two actors are always incredibly uncomfortable during these scenes.”

Stewie tilted his head as something began to occur to him.

“You know what? I could already tell that something was off between those two, but I really think you may be on to something there.”

It was at that moment, that one of the most horrendous lines of dialogue ever put to film was uttered as the man made his romantic interest an offer.

“Whaddya say I take ya home and eat your pussy?”

The line was rushed through so quickly that Stewie wasn’t sure he had heard it correctly.

“Wait? What?!”

Brian chuckled, giving his knee a hard slap as he doubled over.

“Oh… Oh, man. That was… That was something. Well done, dude.”

Stewie just shook his head as the movie progressed into a very strange and completely unarousing sex scene.

“He didn’t really just say that? Oh, my god, but it was so unnatural sounding. The actor sounded like he was going to vomit as soon as the scene cut.”

It then dawned on Stewie just why these two had no romantic chemistry as well as why the actors always seemed so uncomfortable during their “romantic” scenes, which was now made even more obvious during their awkward little tryst.

“Brian, I could be off here, but let’s be honest, I’m probably not. I think that actor is gay. He’s gay and nowhere near good enough of an actor to pretend to be otherwise. That’s why their scenes together are so awkward.”

The canine reached up and scratched his chin upon hearing this new theory.

“You, uh, you may be right.”

And that was all that was said on the matter as the “lovemaking” came to an end with very little fanfare. The film was now moving into its big climatic scene. There was a party taking place on a yacht, and to the surprise of no one who wasn’t fictional, this is where the shark struck next. What followed was one of the most preposterous things Brian or Stewie had ever seen, which was saying something since they lived in the Griffin household.

The shark began attacking, causing the yacht to shake and knock over various party goers. Then, a man started throwing grenades at the shark? Because that would work? Well, it didn’t work, so of course the next thing the man did was steal some woman’s life jacket and then jump in the water… Not that he ever made it into the water since the killer stock footage made its return at that moment, swallowing him and somehow even looking more ridiculous than before. Then, the same stock footage did the same to a life raft full people.

Brian sighed.

“You’d think that eventually it would stop looking so silly, but I swear it gets sillier every time it happens.”

Stewie nodded, agreeing but refusing to speak in case he were to miss more glorious lunacy.

He made the right call because only a few moments later there was a man attempting to make an escape on a jet ski, laughing smugly as he drove away from the doomed crew of the yacht. He didn’t make it far, though. Suddenly, the man began screaming and flailing his arms madly against an obvious green screen background. The movie then cut to more shark stock footage as the man drove his jet ski right into the shark’s mouth effortlessly. Just zoomed...right on in there to his death. The shark didn’t even move, just lied there lazily as its meal came right to it.

And with that, Stewie felt like he had hit a new peak in his life. The child erupted into an intense laughing fit, tears filling his eyes as he tried to get himself under control.

“Wh-What the hell… Really!? He just… He just drove right into the freakin’ shark’s mouth!? How do you… How do you even do that!?”

Brian was finding it really hard not to join Stewie in his bout of laughter, but he held it together...just barely, though.

There was no topping that. The main characters had their big confrontation with the shark, succeeding in their plan to blow it up, but there was never really any doubt as to whether or not they would succeed or not. As far as the pair on the couch were concerned, though, the real climax of the film had been that bit with the jet ski.

Everything wrapped up, the credits began to roll, and Stewie ejected the disk just as the last of his laughs began to die down.

“Oh… Oh, god! That just might have been the highlight of the night, right there!”

Brian simply nodded his head in agreement.

“I actually kind of agree. Just...what the hell…”

Stewie hopped up to go place the movie back in its case. He then turned back toward Brian and pointed towards the kitchen.

“Hey, Bry? You wanna go pop us some popcorn while I get us set up with another movie?”

The dog smiled and set the wine bottle back on the table before jumping off the couch.

“You got it. Be back in a bit.”

He made his way into the kitchen and quickly located the box that contained the family’s supply of popcorn. He retrieved a bag and then placed it into the microwave. As he stood there waiting, the dog, for the first time that night, began to really feel the effects of the wine he’d been drinking. It was nothing major, just a slight buzz, but he was definitely on his way to feeling pretty darn good.

Meanwhile, back in the living room, Stewie was pretty much already there, reveling in the cozy, floaty feeling as he contemplated what movie to put on next. It was finally dark out, so maybe the horror movie was a good idea. Then again, he could see the benefits of saving that movie for last just in case other...activities began to occupy his and his boyfriend’s time.

At that thought, the child felt a stirring below his waist.

He giggled in excitement, eager to see where all his night with Brian would go. For now, though, they had two more movies to get through, and he had decided that saving the monster bed for last was his preferred choice.

As he placed the disk for _Fateful Findings_ into the DVD player, he began to detect the scent of fresh popcorn. He turned around just in time to see Brian reentering the room with a bowl of the traditional movie snack.

The boy rushed over to rejoin his love, simultaneously grabbing the remote while he used his other hand to grab a handful of popcorn.

“Ready?”

Brian leaned back into the couch and pulled Stewie against him once more, chuckling in amusement as he replied.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”

Stewie laughed, happy to see that Brian was finally enjoying himself. The boy placed the handful of popcorn he had grabbed into his mouth and pushed play.

And so began their next cinematic journey.

Right off the bat it became very clear that, even when compared to the other films, there was something _very_ off about this movie. The opening credits had the vibe of a cheap 90s T.V. movie, but that wasn’t necessarily the most terrible thing in the world, though it certainly was extra odd that seemingly every aspect of the movie had been credited to a man named Neil Breen. But, as soon as the actual film started and the movie introduced two children walking in the woods and carefully being observed by...the skull of a ram, Brian and Stewie knew they were in for something truly insane.

Stewie clapped his hands.

“Oh! Bravo! This one is not interested at all with wasting any time before going off the deep end.”

The children then happened upon a mushroom, which there was no disputing because one of the child actors declared dramatically, “Look, Leah! A mushroom,” before kneeling down to present it, hands extended Vanna White style.

The dog and baby glanced over at each other, giving each other “what the hell” looks before returning their attention to the movie.

The mushroom ended up being some kind of magic mushroom, which was something that Brian found oddly appropriate because it was beginning to seem that everyone who worked on this movie was under the influence of a completely different kind of “magic mushroom”. The mushroom slowly revealed a hidden stash, and this hidden stash ended up containing what the boy claimed was, “treasure”. They raided the container and then left, but not before the girl, Leah, declared this to be a “magical day”. She even made sure to note this in a tiny notebook with the words “It’s a magical day!” just in case she forgot.

A scene later, Leah was moving away in what Brian and Stewie assumed was supposed to be a tragic scene of two childhood friends parting ways, but the acting was so stilted and lifeless that it didn’t come anywhere near conveying the intended emotions.

Brian and, surprisingly enough, even Stewie, were beginning to worry that these two children were actually going to be their main characters. Stewie groaned.

“What even is this!? How can you act this unconvincingly? I feel like you’d have to try, and oh my god, have neither of these kids ever waved to another person before!?”

The child was commenting on the awkward way in which the children were flailing their arms as they waved goodbye while the girl rode away in her parents car.

Brian just laughed, grabbing some popcorn and then talking through his mouthful.

“I’m gonna guess no, but you know, the fact that that might be the case is pretty astounding.”

Stewie hummed thoughtfully before grabbing some more popcorn for himself.

The movie then cut to a man that Brian immediately recognized as the man that had caught his attention on the front of the film’s case. He was talking on the phone. Well...actually, he supposed to be, but the only person the movie actually ever showed talking was the woman on the other end, leading to this odd scene of her seeming to have a conversation with herself.

Suddenly, the man was hit by a car as he was crossing the street. All the bystanders gathered around and just...stared at the man (who only had blood on his face despite being hit mainly in his torso) and began speaking their lines one at a time.

“Call 911. Call 911.”

“Is he dead? Is he dead?”

“It’s the Rolls-Royce that hit him. I sawr it. I’m a witness.”

The last person spoke with a slight accent...that or he just slurred his line and the director decided it was fine to just keep the take.

Stewie groaned again, burying his head in the dog’s side to muffle the sound.

“Why even point that out? You all saw it! The car never even bloody left the scene! It’s still right there covered in the poor bastard’s blood!”

He sat back up and grabbed some popcorn.

“Yeah. You’re such a helpful witness. Moron…”

The man who had been hit by the car was given a black stone before being carted away. Neither Brian nor Stewie knew why. A few moments later, the man was in the...hospital. Well, it looked more like an empty room in someone’s house.

Brian shook his head.

“Must not have had the budget to film in an actual hospital or to make a convincing set.”

The child leaned over and retrieved their wine, taking a big gulp.

“Well, they could at least try. I mean, look at this! It’s ridiculous! They’ve got basically his whole face in a cast, but then, they went and placed an oxygen mask over that because that sure looks like how it’s done!”

The boy spoke with sharp sarcasm as he took another sip.

“And, look at that! They just taped tiny tubes to his arms, nothing else. Oh. Now, he’s getting up. Yes, he’s taking everything off. There’s his ass. Glad we got to see that. Aaaaaand he’s gone. I’m guessing he just walked out the front door. As we all know, security is just that lax at hospitals.”

Brian grabbed the bottle.

“Man, he sure recovered quickly after getting hit in the chest with a car.”

Stewie nodded, speaking in monotone.

“It’s a miracle, surely.”

Things just continued to get weirder from there. They were already plenty weird before. The man still had that stone, and it seemed like every person in this movie was simultaneously the worst actor ever, delivering their lines the most stilted and emotionless way you could possibly imagine, like aliens trying to approximate what humans were. Now, everything seemed dreamlike, and somebody wandered into the hospital the main character had been in before and then they just...disappeared, fading out from view.

The pair titled their head in unison. Stewie spoke for them.

“Well, alright, then…”

The man just kind of wandered back home, losing an incredible amount of blood as he left a trail. He got in the shower, and blood just began pooling around him to an even more ridiculous degree.

Both Brian and Stewie burst into small fits of laughter.

Then, the man’s wife(?) came into the bathroom.

“What are you doing home? You’re supposed to be in a hospital.”

The man responded as the woman walked into the shower with him, still wearing her nightgown despite the fact that blood was still coating the shower floor.

“I let myself out. Help me. Help me.”

Stewie scoffed.

“I’m not sure there’s any way to possibly help you, dude.”

Then, the couple in the film just stood there in the shower, staring dead-eyed at each other.

Brian chuckled.

“Ohhhhh, yeah. You can really feel the magic.”

Stewie just looked disgusted.

“Are they going to do it in there?”

He then turned to Brian.

“For the record, I wouldn’t even get in a bloody shower with _you_ let alone have sex with you in it. That’s just unsanitary.”

Brian tilted his head at the infant, not sure how to respond.

“Uhhh. Good to know, I guess? I don’t think that’s anything you have to worry about, kid.”

From there, the movie just began to wander seemingly aimlessly from scene to scene. Nothing improved, the acting was still mind-blowingly bad, the music was just a series of tracks on repeat, and the shots were so bland that the film almost seemed like a home-movie, at times. The main character, Dylan, was still recovering from his injury, and he was on medication. There was this incredibly odd bit where he seemed to pass out in his chair while reading but not before somehow knocking over several items on his desk, including two laptops that looked absolutely ancient. And, there was also apparently some kind of subplot about the neighboring couple and an abusive ex-husband with such brilliant exchanges as:

“We don’t have sex anymore.”

“I’m very pissy! My back is killing me! My office, at the bank, is having major problems!”

Brian and Stewie just gawked at the display in stunned silence. It was Brian that ended up speaking first.

“This can’t be real, right? You can’t… You can’t fuck everything up this bad, right!? This must be intentional. It has to be. I refuse to believe that this involved a genuine effort to make a good movie!”

Dylan was asking for his pills, now. His wife threw them to him. Then, he just suddenly decided he didn’t need them and proceeded to throw them into the toilet. He didn’t flush them, just let them sit in the bowl as he walked away because that’s what people did. Then, his wife came in and scooped them out before stashing them away for...herself.

Even Stewie with his genius intellect was having trouble parsing out what the plot was here.

“So, wait, I guess she’s hooked on his medication? This is how they tell us that?”

Brian just shrugged.

“Makes about as much sense as anything else in this trainwreck. I can’t wait to become invested in this riveting tale of opiate addiction.”

Unsurprisingly, that never happened.

Dylan was...dreaming now? Or something? It was hard to tell. He was standing naked in a dark room, and…

“Oh, damn it all! I’m not even going to bother trying to figure all this nonsense out. It means nothing! Does this movie actually expect me to read something into its oh so deep ‘symbolism’?!”

Stewie threw up air quotes on that last word.

“What am I supposed to be following here!”

Brian turned to the infant and looked at him smugly.

“Wow. Seems like this movie is actually starting to bug you.”

The boy glared at his dog, though there was no real malice behind the gaze.

“And it’s not bugging you? Don’t get me wrong, it is, indeed, hilariously bad, but there’s just like... _nothing_ to grab onto here. It’s like wading in shallow water only I have to keep up my stamina for almost two hours.”

He sighed and hung his head.

“It’s honestly a little exhausting…”

Brian removed the smirk from his face, replacing it with a warm smile as he gave his partner and affectionate pat on the shoulder.

“Well, you know, we don’t have to finish it. We can stop, if you want.”

The baby’s head shot up. He shook his head and laughed at the dog.

“Oh, no! Not on your life! We are seeing this thing through, you and I. I will not be bested by some hackneyed, pretentious, incompetent film ‘auteur’.”

With newfound resolve, Stewie returned his attention to the movie.

The neighboring couple was fighting again.

“You care more about that car than me!”

“You would rather be drunk in here than with me!?”

“Gives me more pleasure than you do the past few months.”

Stewie placed his hands on his cheeks and gasped, offering up an exaggerated expression of concern.

“Oh, my. I do hope that these two find a way to work out their differences. They are just so good together!”

Relationship drama. Relationship drama. Now, the two couples were having dinner together. Oh, and the fighting couple’s daughter was there, too. Everyone was marveling at Dylan’s speedy recovery.

“Me and the doctors didn’t think you were gonna make it.”

“It seems like it never happened.”

Dylan offered this explanation.

“I have great family genes.”

Though he did make sure to clarify that he was still in pain. Not that there was an doubt of that for the audience considering the numerous scenes they had seen already of Dylan going weak and seething in pain in the most unnatural ways imaginable.

The dog reached up and gave a stretch before setting the popcorn off to the side by Stewie.

“I think I’m about done with that popcorn, kid. Help yourself.”

To which Stewie gladly did.

The friends were still having dinner. Their daughter was explaining to Dylan about how she was currently working on a “really interesting project about elephants in Africa”.

Stewie quirked his eyebrow at the young woman’s strange delivery.

“Good lord. Did they drug that girl? She seems really...out of it.”

Brian tilted his head at the suggestion, finding Stewie’s theory more believable than he really wanted to.

“What? No! I...I guess, it kind of...seems like maybe she… But, no! That would be incredibly wrong…”

Stewie shuffled his feet against the couch.

“I’m uncomfortable...”

Thankfully, that scene didn’t go on for much longer. Dylan was now back at his desk, throwing random items around in, what the pair assumed was supposed to be, frustration, and working on whatever it was he was always working on as he exposited to himself.

“I’ve got so much to do I’ll never get done.”

He began typing (though it was really more like senseless banging) furiously at his keyboard. He stopped and spoke again.

“I’m going to continue hacking into these government systems.”

Type some more. Then stop.

“To see what I can find out...”

Type. Type. Type.

“About all this national and international corruption I know is going on.”

Type. Type. Type. Type. Type.

Stewie placed his palm on his forehead and sighed.

“Government systems? National and international corruption? Jesus, just tell us what the bloody hell is going on! This is mind-numbing!”

Brian shifted on the couch so he was leaning on the armrest. He motioned for Stewie to move over closer to him, which the infant did, making sure to bring his popcorn bowl with him as he leaned over and rested his head back against the dog’s side. He sighed happily and began petting at the fur on Brian’s thigh, causing the canine to shiver slightly under his touch. The boy giggled, a look of pure contentment coming across his features as he looked back at the T.V. screen.

Dylan was talking to his therapist. Nothing of importance was said.

Then, trouble in paradise began brewing in the man’s marriage. The wife’s sudden and barely addressed pill addiction was apparently taking its toll. At least that’s what the words coming out of the character’s mouths were claiming. You’d never know it otherwise since this movie had no idea how to convey plot points outside of expository dialogue and grand, over-the-top dramatic gestures. The two of them were arguing about the issue, though Dylan did make sure to throw in a few lines about his hacking or whatever it was he was up to. What was the point of this movie again?

Brian snorted at the drama onscreen that even a daytime soap would be embarrassed to showcase.. He leaned over, taking care to not jostle Stewie too much as he retrieved the wine bottle and began sipping from it. It was getting pretty light. The dog swirled it around and gazed sadly at the remaining liquid inside.

“Shit. We’re almost out.”

Stewie looked over at his partner and shrugged.

“You’re welcome to the rest of it, dear. I’m already right where I want to be.”

Brian hummed in appreciation and then took another big gulp.

Dylan and his wife were still fighting.

“I’m done talking.”

The man then grabbed his wife forcefully by the wrist and pulled her against him.

Stewie couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable again.

The man then began casually throwing items off his desk to clear it, including the two laptops that had, by this point, received a fair amount of abuse at the hands of their owner.

Brian grimaced.

“Oh, god…”

Stewie shuddered in mutual disgust.

“Please don’t let those two have sex on that desk…”

Dylan started throwing all his assorted papers into the air. Stewie and Brian assumed this was supposed to be...charming, but really, this whole interaction was anything but. They just continued to watch in discomfort as the man kept throwing things off his desk: more papers, office utensils, books, etc. Then, the onscreen couple began literally ripping each other’s clothes off. Things were getting “hot and heavy”, and Stewie found himself having to fight to keep the bile from rising up in his throat.

Luckily, things didn’t get too graphic before the scene cut.

Brian spoke up suddenly.

“Is it just me or does that guy only seem happy when he’s doing something...uh, pervy?”

Stewie guffawed and nudged the canine playfully.

“Oh, you’re one to talk, mister high horse.”

The boy paused for a second, and then, finished as another thought occurred to him.

“What really bugs me is just how...creepy he looks when he’s supposed to be displaying happiness. It’s like he’s deranged. It’s terrifying.”

Brian nodded in agreement. He had nothing more to add to that observation.

The neighbors were still fighting. Good to know, though it did seem like they _might_ be heading toward a reconciliation. Not that the pair on the couch gave even the slightest fuck about their love life and its outcome. Oh, wait, no, the marriage was still in really bad shape. Moving on.

Dylan continued working on his vague hacker stuff that had yet to be explained any further outside of broad, meaningless descriptions about government corruption, and things with his wife seemed to be improving. ...Again, not that anyone really gave a shit.

The movie just continued to meander through these scenes of awkward, almost alien interactions. The plot wasn’t exactly engaging, but there was definitely never a dull moment as every single action and line of dialogue somehow came across as nothing but wrong the whole way through.

Everyone was at some kind of party, now.

One of the female doctors from earlier was there. She dropped something. As soon as Stewie realized what it was his face met his palm once more.

“Ok. It’s official. Whoever wrote this is a worse writer than even you.”

The dog shot the baby a look.

“What? You’re only saying that now? Jeez. Thinks for the support, Stewie.”

The child responded with a slightly unhinged laugh, hand still on his face.

“It’s the freakin’ notebook that the little girl had at the beginning of the movie! This is how they introduce her back into the film!? First of all, why is she still carrying that notebook? That is just the most contrived thing… And, secondly, that _same_ girl just happened to end up working at that hospital? This is the height of absurdity!”

Brian decided to ignore Stewie’s earlier comment regarding his writing since Stewie was obviously refusing to say anymore about that statement, too caught up in this dumb turn of events to go back there. It was fine, though. Brian wasn’t really all that offended anyway. It certainly hadn’t been the most scathing thing Stewie had ever said about his writing endeavours.

The two childhood friends were getting reacquainted, and the interactions were just as off-putting as ever. She was married, as well. Relationship drama was sure to follow.

A few scenes later the neighbors’ daughter was trying to seduce Dylan.

“What!? Ewwwwwww!”

Stewie scrunched up his face in horror and began flailing his arms.

“No. NO. NO! Not cool, man! There’s no way she’s legal!”

Brian was in absolute agreement with the child’s thoughts regarding this latest turn of events, but he did find it pretty ironic that Stewie of all people would be pointing that out considering...well, he was one and in a committed romantic and sexual relationship himself. The dog chuckled awkwardly before clearing his throat.

“Ahem. That’s pretty funny coming from you.”

Stewie knew exactly what Brian was talking about, and wasted no time in setting the record straight.

“This…”

He motioned toward himself and the dog.

“...is a totally different thing. I can assure you that that young girl is far from an incredible genius, and she most definitely is not mature enough to be consenting to anything with that creep. Because that’s what he is- a creep. He made this movie right? Wrote it, too? He intentionally created these situations for his character, and that is just vile!”

Brian smiled and squeezed the child affectionately.

“Your conscience is showing, Stewie.”

The boy looked over at the cute dog next to him and rolled his eyes.

“It’s all your fault you know. Look what you’ve done to me!”

He stuck his tongue out at Brian.

Then, Brian leaned over and captured his lips in a heated kiss. It was over in an instant, but it had definitely taken Stewie off guard. He uttered a little gasp as his boyfriend pulled away, red filling his cheeks.

Brian smirked.

Stewie batted his hand at the silly mutt.

“Oh, don’t look so proud of yourself. I can have much stronger effects on you when I want to.”

Back to the movie.

Hacking. Hacking. Stranger danger. Marriage trouble. Neighbor’s marriage trouble. Gun.

...Gun? Stewie’s eyes went wide.

“Well, that escalated quickly…”

The neighbors were at it again, only this time the woman was threatening her husband with a gun.

“I’m gonna shoot this dayum cah up full of holes!”

The husband raised his hand up in protest.

“No! No! No!”

Then, she shot him. The husband fell over. The daughter walked into the room and looked at her mother.

“You. Killed him.”

A pause. Then, out of nowhere, the daughter actually had an “emotional reaction to seeing her father dead as she tried to run to his body. The mother held her back. The struggling was obviously fake.

Brian rolled his eyes.

“Oh, no. I don’t think I can handle all this raw emotion.”

He threw his arm up dramatically.

“What a tragedy!”

He then took a sip of wine.

The mother began staging the scene as a suicide as Dylan arrived. The man held his friend’s body and proceeded to give a truly Oscar worthy performance.

“Call 911. Jim. Jim. Call 911. How could you have done this? Jim! I can’t believe you committed suicide. I can _not_ believe you committed suicide. How could you have done this? How could you have committed suicide? ...I can’t help you out of this one, Jim. With all we’ve been through, I can’t pull you out of this one. ...Goodbye, my friend. ...Goodbye.”

Brian and Stewie began laughing hysterically at the complete botching of what was so obviously supposed to be an intensely tragic and emotional scene of a man clutching his friend’s body. At the scene’s conclusion, Stewie began clapping his hands loudly. Brian joined in soon after.

“Oh! Bravo! Bravo! That was truly wonderful! Never before have I felt another’s pain so strongly! Truly you are a master of your craft, good sir!”

The two just continued to laugh, barely paying attention to the next several scenes.

The movie didn’t obtain their attention again until the wife was ODing on pills.

Stewie clapped his hands again.

“Oh! There goes another one! Plot twist, this time it was actually suicide.”

The scene cut to Dylan and his childhood friend hooking up in the forest. Both Brian and Stewie had to take a second to catch up. Stewie chuckled.

“Ah. I guess we missed that development. Can’t take your eyes off this movie for a second, can you?”

The dog shook his head.

“With breakneck pacing like this? Of course not!”

They both laughed again and snuggled in closer as the movie continued.

More sex.

More disgust on the part of the pair on the couch.

Dylan finally discovered his dead wife. Another award-winning performance followed.

Brian spoke reassuringly, waving his bottle around.

“Oh, don’t be too upset. It all works out! Now, you can be with your childhood friend, and you won’t even have to go behind your wife’s back like an asshole!”

Stewie hummed in agreement.

“Mmhmm! See? All the pieces are falling into place for you! You should count yourself lucky. If your wife was anything like me, and she actually caught you with that bimbo…”

The infant looked over at his partner, directing a look of warning in his direction.

“Well, let’s just say that what would most surely follow would be a fate worse than death.”

Brian took the warning in stride, leaning over to peck the baby on the forehead before looking into his eyes and replying.

“Not that you would ever have to do that.”

Stewie smiled and squeezed the dog’s thigh.

“Sometimes it’s just good to be reminded.”

The film hobbled along through its “plot”.

Dylan went to see another therapist because the dude just had that many issues that one therapist obviously wasn’t enough.

It didn’t take him long to get over his wife apparently as he was soon seeing his friend again, even explaining his top secret research into government corruption.

“I’ve hacked into the most secret government and corporate secrets.”

A scene later, the man was lamenting how he couldn’t wait any longer and how he wasn’t ready for this, making sure to chuck two large books at his poor laptops as he did so.

Now, someone who had never been seen before was kidnapping his friend. It was hysterical. Dylan must have been a crack detective, too, because it took him basically no time at all to realize she was missing. Well, actually it took an absurdly long scene of him trying to call her and shouting into his phone over and over asking where she was, but for this movie it was no time at all. Then, he located her somehow in no time flat. She was being held at a storage warehouse in a locked container.

Stewie feigned shock.

“Oh, no, but _however_ will he get in to save her.”

Dylan then teleported in, grabbed his friend, and teleported out.

Of course.

Stewie tossed the now empty popcorn bowl to the ground.

“I’m done.”

Brian chuckled and gulped down the last of the wine. He was feeling really good, right now.

“Yeah. I’m about there, too, cutie.”

Stewie blushed again and batted his hand bashfully.

“Awwwww! Sweet of you!”

The movie had to be almost over. What more could there possibly be to cover?

Dylan was dreaming again. Or hallucinating. Maybe…

He was out in the desert talking to three hooded figures and...a box.

Stewie threw up his hands in defeat.

“Seriously! I’m done. Why should I bother trying to follow this insanity? The movie obviously doesn’t care to explain anything, so I’m not going to care to pay attention. Fuck this!”

Brian rubbed the infant’s shoulder, offering up a few words of encouragement.

“There can’t be much more left. If I’m hanging in there, you have to, too.”

The boy laughed to himself and threw his hands into the air once more.

“Fine. Let’s do it, baby! We can beat this thing!”

Dylan was giving a press conference now.

Stewie rolled his wrist flippantly.

“Uh oh. It looks like he’s about to reveal all those secret government and corporate secrets. Is the world ready?”

Brian just shook his head, focusing on paying attention to Dylan’s speech in the small hope that something about his discoveries would actually be explained.

Dylan continued talking, occasionally being interrupted by rapturous applause. No crowd was ever really shown, though. Instead, anytime there was clapping heard, the camera just cut to...microphones.

Stewie scoffed.

“Oh, boy. Those mics sure are excited about this world changing news.”

Brian nodded his head.

“Mmhmm…”

Dylan continued giving his grand speech, but then, things took a...well, it would have been a dark turn if what was being shown on-screen wasn’t absolutely laughable. As Dylan continued to talk, his words began to be intercut with corporate and government officials confessing their crimes and resigning...and committing suicide in basically every way imaginable: gunshot, hanging, carbon monoxide poisoning, overdosing, wrist slashing, the works.

Brian and Stewie just watched in awe, mouths hanging open, as these things were portrayed as several victories, neither of them sure what they could possibly say. The movie basically said it all. This whole sequence of events went on for awhile. Then, during the same speech, there was a new development as an assassin appeared out of nowhere trying to take out Dylan. A gunshot was heard. Dylan was fine. The gunman fell over dead. Brian and Stewie didn’t even bother trying to make sense of it.

Finally, Dylan’s speech ended. The nonexistent crowd applauded one last time, and the scene cut to Dylan and his new girlfriend holding hands out in a field. Happy ending. Roll credits.

Stewie made a jump for the remote and shut the atrocity of a film off as soon as he saw it was over. The infant hopped to his feat and threw his hands up in triumph.

“Ha! We did it! We made it through the whole blasted thing!”

The baby sighed in relief, and then, hopped off the couch.

“Gonna hit the restroom, babe. Would you mind getting the last movie ready?”

He batted his eyelashes at the dog. Brian just chuckled and climbed off the couch.

“Sure thing, kid.”

Stewie giggled and scurried away, stopping one more time at the foot of the stairs to address the dog.

“Llllllove yooooou.”

He blew the canine a kiss and then, proceeded up the stairs.

Brian shook his head, laughing in amusement at the cute display.

“Love you, too, Stewie.”

He set the empty wine bottle down on the table and walked over to eject the disc for _Fateful Findings_. He then quickly retrieved their last movie and inserted it into the DVD player. The main menu appeared on screen, and the dog walked back over to the couch to retake his seat, leaning back on the armrest as he waited for his lover to return.

It wasn’t long before Stewie was coming back down the stairs.

Brian turned to wave him over, but stopped, eyes going wide, at the sight before him.

“Oh… Wow…”

The child was standing there leaning on the railing of the stairs with one hand while his other hand rested on his hip, eyes hooded as he smirked at the canine seductively. He was, seemingly, wearing nothing but a little robe that was cut just short enough to stop at the top of his thigh, and the robe was decorated with little bone designs all over it.

The dog just sat there for several seconds, mouth hanging open, before he gulped and sputtered coherent words out.

“Th-That’s, uhhh… Ahem! That’s very, very nice, St-Stewie. I don’t believe I’ve… I’ve seen that one be-before.”

The canine chuckled shyly and began scratching at the back of his neck, trying to keep himself under control as he took in the incredibly sexy sight before him.

Stewie chuckled. It was always so much fun reducing Brian to a stuttering, hardup schoolboy. The boy pushed himself off of the railing, standing up straight before sashaying his way across the room. He had been waiting to surprise Brian with this robe for awhile, now. It had been custom made and everything, and it was pretty darn cute, if Stewie could say so himself. It was just a shame the canine was unable to see the colors, a striking burgundy to compliment the accompanying white bone designs.

The infant looked over at the dog as he walked.

“I’ll get the light. Movie all good to go?”

Brian jumped back to reality, remembering that he and Stewie were supposed to be watching a movie next. He whimpered a bit, trying to hide his disappointment as he replied.

“Uh, y-yeah. We’re all...all good to go…”

He began panting and spoke the next bit under husky breath.

“...you sexy little fucker…”

Stewie wasn’t sure if Brian had intended for him to hear that, but the child had heard it all the same. He began blushing furiously as he shut off the living room light and made his way back over to the couch. Once he was on the couch, he reached up and cut on the lamp, putting it on the low setting to achieve that perfect mood lighting he was going for.

Brian, meanwhile, watched the boy intensely, desperately hoping that robe would slip up just a tad so he could get a good look at his lover’s sweet ass.

It did not.

The dog dug his claws into the couch feeling frustration beginning to set in. Stewie was such an annoying little tease sometimes…

Once Stewie was sure that the atmosphere of the room was perfect, he turned around and crawled over towards Brian.

“Lay down, doggy.”

Brian obeyed without question, pulling his legs up onto the couch and moving to lie on his side, head resting on the armrest.

Stewie smiled, satisfied by his dog’s obedience.

“Good boy.”

He reached up and gave the canine a firm scratch behind his ear and then laid down in front of the dog so that they were spooning on the couch. He then grabbed the dog’s arm and draped it over his small body.

“Ok. Start the movie.”

Brian growled, trying to ignore the feeling of Stewie’s ass right up against his groin as he raised the remote and hit play.

The movie started, but it wasn’t like either the dog or baby were paying much attention. They were much more focused on the bodies they were snuggling than whatever was going on in the movie.

Still, they were able to pick up on a few things, though. For one thing, this was an extremely odd film, not like either of them had expected from the killer bed movie. No, no, no. It was rather...artsy for that? The movie opened on a black screen that was accompanied by nothing but the sound of, what seemed to be, someone eating an...apple? Loudly? Then, a title card came up that simply read **Breakfast** before the film transitioned to its first actual “scene”- a long, drawn-out series of establishing shots that showed the house where the bed resided. Then some guy started talking about being trapped in a painting or something?

Stewie quirked his eyebrow slightly at the film before shrugging.

_Eh. Fuck it._

He had better things to get to, anyway, besides fixating on how weird their latest movie was. He placed his hand over Brian’s paw and began slowly lowering it down his body.

Brian’s ears perked up as he felt the infant lowering his paw. His tail would have been wagging, as well, if it weren’t for the fact that it was pressed up against the back of the couch.

Stewie ended up placing the dog’s paw right on his thigh, just barely touching the hem of his robe.

Brian felt his mouth going dry. This kid was obviously daring him to slide his paw up the front of his robe, and he was more than glad to do it. He just wanted to make sure, first.

“You, uh, not feeling the movie?”

Stewie giggled and turned his head to gaze up at the love of his life.

“It’s fine, dear, but…”

He pushed his backside up against the dog’s groin, earning an adorable, shocked-sounding little gasp from the canine.

“...I can’t help but think that I’d prefer to be feeling you...feeling _me_.”

Brian gasped again. How was Stewie able to be this tantalizing! It completely boggled his mind. Not that he was going to dwell on that, right now. If ever there was a greenlight, the child had given it.

The dog spared only a few seconds to wonder just what he would find under that robe. Was Stewie completely naked under there? Was he wearing something...sexier? Brian was eager to find out, so without need of further prompting, the animal reached his paw into the robe and grabbed between the boy’s legs. There was no fabric there, just a hard little stiffy that began throbbing in response to his touch.

Stewie had to cover his mouth to stifle the high-pitched moan that escaped him as Brian took hold of his wood. All this teasing and suggesting that had been going on for the past several hours had really gotten him in the mood.

“Mmmmm! That’s right, baby…”

The canine took the hard extenstion of flesh between two of his digits and started jerking slowly. Stewie started thrusting his hips in time with the dog’s paw. His breathing was starting to become more audible, too, as he slowly lost himself in the sweet sensation of Brian’s touch, such a small action in the grand scheme of things, but it was still something he treasured. He had worked so hard to earn this, to get Brian to the point where Stewie could have him at his every beck and call like the good pet the child always knew he could be. The infant reached behind himself and began scratching his dog’s belly.

“You’re a good dog, Brian. Aaaa-Aaaaaah! Such a good dog!”

Brian’s tongue lolled out of his mouth as his animal instincts took control for a moment in response to the praise Stewie was heaping on him. He began kicking his leg frantically as he jerked the child more intensely. His cock also began to make its presence known, slipping out of its sheath just slightly.

Stewie couldn’t help but giggle at the canine’s display. He gave his dog one last pat on the belly before ceasing his scratching. Then, he felt the tip of Brian’s flesh make contact with his inner thigh, and his breath hitched a bit.

“My word… I do believe I’ve given this dog quite the juicy bone.”

The animal began nodding his head vigorously in the affirmative. All the while, his cock was revealing itself more and more, eventually finding its way up the child’s robe where it nestled comfortably between the crack of his ass.

Stewie hummed in contentment once he realized that Brian’s erection had found its new favorite spot. He closed his eyes and took in the feeling of that warm, hard...thing pressed up so perfectly against him, leaking so much liquid onto his back that was then slowly drizzling down his small body.

Such a dirty feeling. Something only they could ever know about. Their little secret. Their forbidden pleasure to share right here on the family couch.

A noise suddenly brought the child out of his reverie.

The sounds of a man and a woman screaming could be heard coming from the T.V.

Stewie’s eyes shot open. He looked at the screen, and it looked like some young couple had become the bed’s first victims. He watched the scene play out for a moment to satisfy his curiosity. There wasn’t really much to see, though, just a bloody arm that was slowly pulled off-screen. The title card for the film appeared soon after as the opening credits began to roll to, what Stewie had to admit was, some fairly eerie music.

The boy went back to focusing on his lover.

Brian was humping against him now, working that wonderful cock of his back and forth against the baby’s smooth backside as he continued to jack Stewie off. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie at all, at this point, too focused on one particular goal to even realize that two people had just been consumed by a fucking possessed bad or whatever.

The child luxuriated in the canine’s attentions for a moment longer before turning his head and kissing his dog soundly. Brian responded to the kiss in earnest, a rough, possessive growl pouring from his throat as he shoved his tongue into Stewie mouth, asserting what little dominance he had in this moment.

Stewie moaned happily into the kiss, and for a while, they stayed like that, making out as Brian continued to touch and hump him enthusiastically.

It was Stewie who had to pull away first as craning his neck the way he was began to get a little uncomfortable. He looked into the dog’s eyes and stroked his cheek affectionately.

“Let me up, now.”

Brian immediately let go of the boy. He couldn’t quite stop himself from moving his hips diligently against the him, though. It just felt too good. It was no surprise, then, that his initial response upon feeling the infant’s body moving away from his was a pathetic, animalistic sounding whine.

The child spared his lover a brief look of sympathy before offering up a playful frown, arms folding over his chest.

“Oh, don’t start whining, now. You know you’re going to get what you want, anyway. Just be a little patient, you horny mutt.”

The baby crawled his way over to the other side of the couch before turning around and motioning toward Brian.

“On your back, now.”

Brian obeyed. The length between his legs was completely free now, standing up straight in a shameless display of his desire for his young lover.

Stewie just stared at that thing for a few moments before reaching out a single finger and beginning to stroke the length of the organ from base to tip to back again.

“I love that I do this to you. You know that?”

The dog chuckled between quick exhales of breath.

“You’re a… Oh, gaaaaaawd… You’re such an ego maniac, kid…”

The infant just shrugged before taking his finger back and reaching into a pocket on his robe.

“I just take pride in my work. One of us has to, after all.”

He pulled a very tiny plastic bottle out of his pocket. Brian craned his head, trying to see what it was Stewie was holding, but it was just too dark to make out.

“Whatcha…”

He gulped.

“Whatcha got there, cutie?”

Stewie looked down at the item in his hand.

“What? This? Oh, never you mind what this is. It’s more for me than you, anyway.”

He chuckled smugly.

“Let’s just say that little Stewie suddenly got a craving for a nice, big cherry lolli.”

The boy removed the cap from the bottle and began squeezing the substance it contained onto his partner’s erection.

The dog flinched slightly at the sudden cold sensation, but it took him no time at all to become accommodated to it. He knew what the baby was driving at, now. He laughed and leaned his head back to lie against the armrest once more.

“That must be that cherry flavored lubricant you convinced me to buy for you a couple of weeks back. I was wondering when you would break that out.”

Stewie simply nodded his head as he placed the cap back on the bottle and re-pocketed the container.

“Well, I mean, there’s not a lot of it. I wanted to save it for a special occasion.”  
He reached out and began stroking his dog with both hands, spreading the lube all up and down the shaft until he was achieving a nice smooth glide with his hands.

Brian began panting again as the boy continued speaking.

“This seemed to qualify as that. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Brian sort of knew what Stewie meant. Just them being alone at home together was a rarity, but it wasn’t really something the dog would consider a truly special occasion. These sorts of things always mattered to Stewie more, anyway, so the canine wasn’t about to begin protesting the notion. There was no way he was about to do or say anything that might cause Stewie to end this moment between them. Jesus, he just needed to get off…

“Y-Yeah. Totally agree! Ohhhh, fuck… Just keep doing what you’re doing, kid…”

Stewie glared at the animal and huffed in mild annoyance.

“Hmph. Look who’s getting bossy over there.”

He squeezed the dog’s bone earning a desperate, sad high-pitched whine from the animal.

Brian shut his eyes tightly and dug his claws into the couch.

“Goddammit, Stewie!”

The infant then began moving his hands faster up and down Brian’s throbbing length of flesh.

“Don’t forget who’s mercy you’re at here, doggy. You’re putty in my hand, now. Nothing more than a plaything to mold as I see fit.”

He laughed again, this time just a tad maniacally.

“You like that, though, don’t you.”

It was a statement not a question. Brian’s cock twitched as if in reply.

Stewie nodded his head in approval.

“My little friend here sure seems to think so.”

Brian tried to say something in protest to Stewie calling his equipment “little”, but the words died on his tongue the minute he felt the boy’s mouth enveloping his cock.

“Ahhhhh!”

He reached up and gripped the sides of his head as he hissed through his teeth.

“Steeeeewieeeeee.”

The boy hummed a response around the meat in his mouth. He then began bobbing his head up and down, going down on Brian as far as he could, which was actually most of the way at this point. He’d had plenty of practice, after all.

Loud chewing sounds began coming from the T.V again.

The infant shifted his eyes to look and see what was going on now, never removing the canine’s organ from his mouth.

A young woman was being consumed now. The bed was excreting some kind of liquid, an acid maybe? That appeared to be the case. The woman was...dissolving as she sunk into it.

Stewie just shrugged at this.

_ Aaaaand, another one bites the dust… _

He returned his full attention to pleasuring Brian, who so obviously had no clue what was even going on on-screen.

_ Good. I’m the only thing worthy of your attention now, anyway, you handsome mutt. _

Brian could feel himself quickly becoming undone. This kid had worked him up into such a state that it was becoming incredibly difficult to hang on and not just blow his load right then and there as Stewie sucked him off so skillfully. He grunted and opened his eyes, chancing a look at the activity that was going on below his waist. He was immediately greeted with the image of the boy looking up at him, pure dominance in his eyes as he worked his mouth up and down his treat, hands resting at the base and occasionally giving him teasing strokes and squeezes.

He yelped.

“Awrooooo!”

And, then reached down to grab the baby’s head out of instinct.

“You’re gonna…

He swallowed thickly, fighting to get the words out.

“You’re...g-gonna finish me off here pretty s-soon, sweetie.”

The infant tilted his head at the canine, giving him a curious look before releasing the beast from his mouth.  
“You serious? That soon?”

He chuckled mockingly.

“I just barely got started, Bry. What the hell?”

The canine flushed, taking the jab at his masculinity in stride as he explained.

“W-Well, I mean, you’ve kind of been working at me all night… Plus, it has been a few days…”

The baby laughed heartily at this comment.

“Just a few days? That all? Jeez. You really are a horn dog.”

He completely let go of Brian’s erection and shook his head.

“Well, alright then. I guess that’s all the oral you’re getting tonight. I can’t have you finishing early on me. That candy was fine, but it really only whetted my appetite, and frankly, I deserve one hell of a reward for having sat through that last movie we watched.”

Brian chuckled and shifted so that he was sitting up a little more.

“Is that why you immediately went at me after that? You felt like you were owed some kind of…”

The dog paused, snapping his fingers a few times as he struggled to find the right words for a few moments.

“Uh, karmic reparation?”

Stewie clapped his hands a few times in quick succession before moving to crawl up into the canine’s lap.

“Hey! You actually used both those words appropriately! I’m proud of you!”

Brian just rolled his eyes.

“Jeez. Thanks… I’m not a moron, Stewie.”

Stewie seemed unsure of this as he wavered his hand side to side in a “so-so” motion.

“Ehhhhh. Sometimes you’re not. I’ll give you that.”

He smiled then and pecked the dog on the lips before continuing.

“For instance, I would never say you’re a moron for being with me. That’s, honestly, probably the smartest thing you’ve ever done.”

The canine huffed in faux offense, a smile appearing on his lips.

“You are such a little asshole…”

Stewie giggled and then reached into his other pocket.

“Yeah, but you love me, anyway. Now, how about you make yourself useful and…”

He pulled out another small bottle of lubricant and placed it in the canine’s paw.

“...start getting this “little asshole” ready for that tool of yours.”

Brian just stared at the infant wide eyed for a moment as his paw closed tightly around the bottle he had been given. A second later, he was shoving the baby backwards, causing him to fall onto his back on the couch.

The boy grunted as the wind was knocked out of him slightly at the sudden impact.

“Ugh! Brian, you inconsiderate bastard, I’m gonna…”

But the child never got to say what he was gonna do as the dog’s mouth silenced him then. The boy fought against the kiss briefly, not wanting to give his rude lover the satisfaction of shutting him up, but in the end, it was futile. He loved Brian’s kisses too much, and he was only able to protest for a few seconds more before finally giving himself over to the canine fully. He did briefly consider smacking the animal with a rolled up newspaper when he heard the smug chuckle the canine emitted against his lips, though…

The kiss ended as suddenly as it began. Brian hastened to shift his body further down until he had easy access to the child’s opening.

Stewie watched the animal intensely, absolutely riveted as he observed the canine opening the bottle and then squirting a large dab of the lube onto a furry finger. The dog then placed that finger at his entrance and began smearing the liquid all along the edges of the baby’s wanting cavity. The boy began breathing heavily, reveling in the attentions of his love.

Stewie remembered how, upon doing this for the first time with Brian, he had learned that he basically no experience when it came to anal sex. The boy had had to walk his loyal pet through it, but surprisingly, the animal had been a quick learner. Now, though, his partner was practically an expert, good and trained just like Stewie preferred it.

Brian started pushing his digit into the boy as soon as he was sure his lover was ready.

Stewie gasped, hands reaching up instinctively to cover his mouth as he began uttering lewd sounds that no person his age should ever utter.

It was music to Brian’s ears. He reached down to touch himself, seeking just a tiny bit of relief as he began rotating his finger within the child.

Stewie noticed this immediately.

“H-Hey! Wa-Watch it now, boy! I don’t want you pushing yourself too far just yet! I need that thing good and hard for me!”

The dog ceased touching himself, reluctantly acknowledging that it was best not to court disaster here. He refocused on the task at hand, slowly inserting one more finger. Then, he just let the digits rest in the infant for a while.

Stewie squealed effeminately.

Brian laughed.

“You really do sound like a girl sometimes when we’re having sex.”

His eyes went slightly dark, then, a hint of danger washing over them that actually caused Stewie to shiver slightly.

“I like that. It’s incredibly sexy.”

Stewie went to say something in response, but he only got out another lust-filled moan as his partner began moving his fingers again, slowly stretching him wider and wider in the most sinful way.

“Ohhhhhh… God, Brian! I can’t take much more! Let’s move on, shall we?”

Brian didn’t need to be told twice, immediately removing his fingers before coming to hover over the infant’s body.

Stewie reached up and grabbed the sides of his pet’s muzzle.

“That’s it, boy. You take what you want. Stewie gives you permission.”

He leaned up and pecked the canine on the lips, and then, laid himself back down, eagerly anticipating that first thrust.

Brian wasted no time, he reached down to grip his wood, holding it just long enough to direct it at its target before pushing forward and releasing it once Stewie’s body took hold. The entrance was effortless, just one slow, continuous thrust up to the knot.

Stewie hissed lustfully as the dog pushed into him.

“Yeeeeeeeees…”

And then gasped loudly once he felt that lump of flesh resting so dangerously against him, right there at the edge of too far and driving him absolutely crazy. He moaned again and grabbed the dog’s wrists tightly as he nodded his head fervently at the animal.

“Move…Move damn you…”

The dog did as he was told and began thrusting his hard, throbbing length in and out of the boy. He had to fight and distract himself a little bit just so he could keep hanging on. Jesus, he really was pathetic tonight… This kid just felt so good, though, so warm and tight and...perfect.

The canine’s breath hitched. He looked over at the movie, seeking just a little something to take his mind off the sensations just so he could make this good for Stewie. God, if he blew it now, that little jerk would never let him hear the end of it…

There were two young girls talking about something. He really wasn’t sure just what the hell was going on. He had basically missed the whole film up until this point, but the conversation was still so dull that it actually did succeed in helping the dog to calm down a bit. He could feel control returning to his body.

_ You got this, Brian. Just focus on the movie for a little while. _

It took Stewie a moment to realize that Brian’s attention had been diverted away from him, so lost was he in the wonderful sensation of being emptied and filled over and over. Brian being distracted just wouldn’t do, though. He cleared his throat to get the canine’s attention.

“Ahem!?”

Brian’s head immediately shot back around as he looked down at the boy he was currently making love to.

Stewie glared at him scoldingly.

“I’m sorry, but is what’s going on over there really that much more interesting than what you and I are currently doing? You know I can put an end to this at any moment I choose, right?”

Brian rolled his eyes at the baby, never ceasing his rigorous thrusting.

“I was trying to hold out here. I was being considerate. Sheesh. Give me some credit, Stewie.”

The infant considered the dog’s response for a second, trying to decide if he bought that or not. In the end, though, that explanation made complete sense. He simply offered the canine a wave of his hand as he nodded his head toward the T.V.

“Carry on, then. Enjoy your schlock horror.”

Brian went back to paying semi-attention to the movie.

Stewie went back to enjoying the exquisite feeling of that slick rod plunging in and out of him.

And, that’s how they stayed for the next couple of minutes: Brian slowly piecing together the pieces of the movie’s plot and Stewie laying there taking that doggy dick like a champ as he allowed his exclamations of pleasure to flow freely and frequently.

“Oh! Yes! Yes! That’s good, Brian! Such a good boy! Knows how to treat his lover right! Get it! Get it, boy!”

Brian found it harder and harder to ignore the constant praise that Stewie was heaping onto him. What could he say, though? He was a dog. His kind lived for that kind of appreciation. Eventually, focusing on the movie became basically impossible. It seemed to be boring as all hell, and Stewie’s proclamations of satisfaction served as a much more interesting subject to focus his ears on. He turned back to the baby, fairly confident in his ability to last for the remainder of their encounter now. Stewie’s eyes met his, and the child offered him up a silly looking, love-struck grin.

“H-Hi there.”

He waved and giggled like a shy schoolgirl.

“Long time, no see, babe.”

Brian laughed leaned over to kiss the child’s forehead best resting his own there.

“God, you’re adorable…”

Stewie giggled again and began petting the dog affectionately.

“Thank you.”

He kissed the dog’s cheek and leaned up to whisper into his ear.

“I love you.”

Brian shivered at the words and didn’t hesitate before he replied.

“I love you, too, Stewie.”

Stewie felt his body go warm all over. This was simply everything he had ever wanted from his friend-turned-lover…

Screaming filled the room as the bed set its sights on another victim, effectively interrupting this perfect moment between the two lovers.

Stewie groaned, annoyed at the poor timing, but he decided to take this as his cue to escalate things a bit. He put his hands on the dog’s chest and began pushing him away.

“Sit up, and don’t you dare slip out of me!”

Brian tilted his head at the sudden command but didn’t ask any questions about it as he wrapped his arms tightly around the child and held him close, rotating his body into a sitting position on the couch.

Stewie then pushed the animal down onto his back, successfully becoming the top partner of this tryst. He then began moving his body up and down, taking the lead as he rode the canine enthusiastically.

All the while, a woman’s screams echoed throughout the room.

Stewie chuckled darkly and looked down at his slightly shocked captive.

“You hear that, Brian? The screams of the innocent? I want you to let go and give me everything you’ve got. Fuck me relentlessly to the sound of those futile screams. Let us take pleasure as we wallow in her misery.”

Brian swore he felt his heart stop for a brief second. That dark side of Stewie’s… That sadistic little part of the child’s psyche… It was no longer as prominent a part of the boy’s personality as it had been, but it was still there and Brian had basically accepted at this point that it would never truly go away. But, Brian still found himself in these moments from time to time where it snuck up on him, leaving him in slight terror. Now, though, due to the latest evolution of their exceedingly complex relationship, that terror was joined by a hint of excitement when the child’s more sadistic tendencies made their presence know during their bedroom activities.

He grabbed the infant by the hips tightly, nodding his head up and down rapidly.

“You got it!”

He then began fucking the boy with reckless abandon, tongue falling out of his mouth and panting heavily, becoming nothing more than an animal in heat determined to mate with his partner.

Stewie squealed in excitement as he felt the canine beginning to move so quickly within him. He placed his hands on the dog’s chest, leaning over to support his body and he began moving along with the animal.

“That’s right, you horny animal! Just do what comes naturally! Let it all go! Take all that you need!”

The sounds of the woman’s screaming continued on, and the pair on the couch just allowed those screams to wash over them as they took part in this pure, animalistic, carnal encounter.

The dog hit something within the child, causing him to shoot up and grip the sides of head tightly as he practically screamed.

“Ahhhhh! There we go! You got it! Keep going, boy!”

The noises coming out of Brian could have easily been mistaken for any other dog at this point, just a series of grunts, growls, and whimpers as he breathed heavily through his nostrils. He knew he didn’t have much more left in him, though. Still, he was determined to hold out of as long as he could.

Stewie, meanwhile, was slowly being reduced to a barely coherent mass of flesh and constantly firing nerve endings. It wouldn’t be long now, if Brian kept this up. He was so damn close to the edge…

The infant regained what little composure he could muster and leaned forward, forcing the dog to make eye contact as he spoke authoritatively.

“Call me. Your. Master.”

And, with those words, what little stamina the dog had left was shot as he lost control and began releasing into the boy, howling loudly before uttering those words that Stewie had commanded of him.

“You’re my master! Oh, fuck! You’re my master!”

And that, combined with the feeling of his good, loyal pet erupting inside him, was all Stewie needed to reach his limit, as well.

The child came hard as he continued to ride the canine.

“Yeeeees! That’s what I’m talking about!”

And, they both kept going at it wildly as they rode out their individual climaxes.

The screams from the two lovers and the movie over on the television began to die down.

Stewie was the first to start coming back to his senses, strength leaving him as he fell over onto the dog’s chest and began breathing heavily, so completely satisfied.

He hummed happily, feeling the canine’s body below him ever so slowly begin to stop shaking as he released what little he had left. The boy reached up and started petting the top of his dog’s head affectionately.

“There you go. That’s a good dog, Brian.”

Brian brought his arms around the boy on top of him and hugged him tightly as he rode out what little was left of his orgasm. When nirvana had finally passed, the animal simply sighed in relief as all tension left his body. He fell limp, arms still around his partner as he began the process of catching his breath.

They remained cuddling like that for several minutes, Stewie’s hand wandering through that soft and comforting fur as he fought to stay awake and Brian casually massaged the infant’s back through the fuzzy robe that the boy hadn’t bothered to remove at any point in their lovemaking.

They probably would have fallen asleep right then and there, each taking comfort in the arms of the other, but they were soon shocked back into consciousness when another loud sound began blaring from the T.V.

Their bodies jolted simultaneously as they both looked to see what was going on in this ridiculous movie, now.

The bed was on fire, now. Or something. It didn’t matter.

Stewie moved his body up so that he was resting on his forearms.

Brian turned back to look at him. The child was smiling at his in the most genuine way.

“Well, I say. It appears that my plans for the evening turned out pretty darn well for us.”

Brian chuckled and nodded his head.

“Yeah. That wasn’t too bad.”

He pressed his lips against his partners, giving him a quick kiss before finishing his thought.

“Maybe we could do it again sometime.”

The boy’s eyes brightened in pure excitement at the notion.

“Yeah! Oh! I would love that!”

He wrapped his arms around the animal giving him a great big, warm hug.

“Not a bad start to our weekend, huh?”

The dog shook his head.

“Not at all. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.”

The canine yawned and shifted his body a little so that he was laying in a more comfortable position.

Stewie yawned, as well. He could feel the energy leaving his body as sleep fought to take hold of him.

“Let’s just sleep here tonight, Bry. This is nice.”

The dog yawned again and rolled over onto his side, snuggling Stewie close as he agreed.

“Yeah. Let’s…”

Another yawn.

“Let’s do...that…”

Not a second later, the canine was out like a light.

Stewie felt the animal go still against him.

His eyes fluttered open ever so slightly as he smiled at the dog of his dreams and leaned in for one last kiss.

“Goodnight...Brian.”

The boy closed his eyes and fell asleep, content in his partner’s arms.

The movie was over.

Roll credits. 


End file.
